Could a person really be strong enough against the greatest of the greatest fears he’s had for years?
I didn’t watch Pinoy Fear Factor when it aired on TV. Hell, I wasn’t even a fan of the original version, so I think it is a no-brainer to expect me not watching this show. Though I think the “edgy sports” challenges are cool, those challenges which are downright gross turns me (and the TV) off (or I may just have hit the remote button into another TV show). But that’s a good idea really for a reality show really. Pushing people off the edge for money, making then face what they fear the most, and showing the craziness that would occur when different personalities mix.
I do have some fears on my own. Let’s see. I HATE flying cockroaches. Really, I can’t see the non-immediate harm they cause when they are crawling around (mainly because you can just squish them, pour alcohol on them and set them on fire). But of course they are spreading all those icky germs that could make you sick and that’s invisible to the naked eye (that’s why I can’t see their non-immediate harm!). But once these crawlers turn into flyers, uh-oh. We ought to run for our lives. It’s weird. If they end up “landing” on you, it’ll give you goose bumps, you’ll fell their hairy appendages, and of course, those icky, downright dirty germs would directly “land” on you. Eww… I already feel weird, icky, and disgusted just by thinking about it.
You may be going like “flying cockroaches? C’mon man!” I’m saying the same thing to myself in fact. No, a silly flying cockroach is not the greatest of my greatest fears. Like I said, I could just wait for it to land and crawl, hoping it would not “land” on me, and the cockroach is history.
It is uncertainty that I fear the most. I know, it sounds overly dramatic but it is what it is.
I had been feeling this fear for the past weeks; it was around the end of February when it started. I just had a deeply personal heartbreaking experience then, and after that I started questioning having a fulfilling future. From that moment, the days seemed an eternity of questioning what tomorrow will bring, whether my life’s goals would be complete, will I ever find the one for me. It was amazing that none of the people around me noticed my out-of-placed smiles.
That is, until last Wednesday, when the fear of uncertainty crept within my very soul. My fear reached its peak. From the moment I woke up, I just had this dread, gloomy feeling. I didn’t feel like moving at all. But, like Freddie Mercury said, the show must go on. And I did put on quite a show that day reporting to work. Everything was normal. I laughed at the jokes. I even made one or two. It was business as usual, and business it was.
When I got home, my defenses were faltering. My roommate noticed the drastic decrease in cheeriness. Back then, I just couldn’t force a laugh anymore. I couldn’t even give a decent laugh. I know, he was trying to act concerned, and maybe he really was, I don’t really know, but I just brushed it off my shoulders. Something’s wrong with me, and anyone around me who isn’t dead could feel the weight of what I am feeling then. My mind could not rest from thinking and overanalyzing, I cried myself to sleep. I even had nightmares that night, though I could not remember anything about my nightmare.
When I woke up I knew, my consciousness had been through enough of those worries, my subconscious mind had to deal with my issues through those nightmares. And it was a better day; a better day indeed. I remembered this one day coming home from school back then, crying to my mom about how I fear uncertainty so much. I guess, things haven’t really changed much since then.
Maybe I will just have to deal with it. And wait. And accept life’s uncertainties, its twist and turns as I go along. Maybe one day, I will definitely be strong enough, courageous enough, and brave enough against this fear. I just have to remember that the next time that the fear of uncertainty, that paralyzing dread seeps under my skin, I just have to let it all out and breathe.
I’ll be doing it secretly, of course.
I didn’t watch Pinoy Fear Factor when it aired on TV. Hell, I wasn’t even a fan of the original version, so I think it is a no-brainer to expect me not watching this show. Though I think the “edgy sports” challenges are cool, those challenges which are downright gross turns me (and the TV) off (or I may just have hit the remote button into another TV show). But that’s a good idea really for a reality show really. Pushing people off the edge for money, making then face what they fear the most, and showing the craziness that would occur when different personalities mix.
I do have some fears on my own. Let’s see. I HATE flying cockroaches. Really, I can’t see the non-immediate harm they cause when they are crawling around (mainly because you can just squish them, pour alcohol on them and set them on fire). But of course they are spreading all those icky germs that could make you sick and that’s invisible to the naked eye (that’s why I can’t see their non-immediate harm!). But once these crawlers turn into flyers, uh-oh. We ought to run for our lives. It’s weird. If they end up “landing” on you, it’ll give you goose bumps, you’ll fell their hairy appendages, and of course, those icky, downright dirty germs would directly “land” on you. Eww… I already feel weird, icky, and disgusted just by thinking about it.You may be going like “flying cockroaches? C’mon man!” I’m saying the same thing to myself in fact. No, a silly flying cockroach is not the greatest of my greatest fears. Like I said, I could just wait for it to land and crawl, hoping it would not “land” on me, and the cockroach is history.
It is uncertainty that I fear the most. I know, it sounds overly dramatic but it is what it is.
I had been feeling this fear for the past weeks; it was around the end of February when it started. I just had a deeply personal heartbreaking experience then, and after that I started questioning having a fulfilling future. From that moment, the days seemed an eternity of questioning what tomorrow will bring, whether my life’s goals would be complete, will I ever find the one for me. It was amazing that none of the people around me noticed my out-of-placed smiles.That is, until last Wednesday, when the fear of uncertainty crept within my very soul. My fear reached its peak. From the moment I woke up, I just had this dread, gloomy feeling. I didn’t feel like moving at all. But, like Freddie Mercury said, the show must go on. And I did put on quite a show that day reporting to work. Everything was normal. I laughed at the jokes. I even made one or two. It was business as usual, and business it was.
When I got home, my defenses were faltering. My roommate noticed the drastic decrease in cheeriness. Back then, I just couldn’t force a laugh anymore. I couldn’t even give a decent laugh. I know, he was trying to act concerned, and maybe he really was, I don’t really know, but I just brushed it off my shoulders. Something’s wrong with me, and anyone around me who isn’t dead could feel the weight of what I am feeling then. My mind could not rest from thinking and overanalyzing, I cried myself to sleep. I even had nightmares that night, though I could not remember anything about my nightmare.When I woke up I knew, my consciousness had been through enough of those worries, my subconscious mind had to deal with my issues through those nightmares. And it was a better day; a better day indeed. I remembered this one day coming home from school back then, crying to my mom about how I fear uncertainty so much. I guess, things haven’t really changed much since then.
Maybe I will just have to deal with it. And wait. And accept life’s uncertainties, its twist and turns as I go along. Maybe one day, I will definitely be strong enough, courageous enough, and brave enough against this fear. I just have to remember that the next time that the fear of uncertainty, that paralyzing dread seeps under my skin, I just have to let it all out and breathe.
I’ll be doing it secretly, of course.
