Current Dilemma

What if you thought you want something but when you sort of have something similar to it, you found out that you could really go on without it? I got myself into a pseudo-relationship right now. Okay, it really is a relationship, but… I sort of feel, not really, you know? Should one be in love already to get himself in a relationship with a person? Honestly, I’m thinking that I am feeling this way because I am hung up with someone; that I still am (subconsciously) thinking of me and that someone being together. Dang!

I am thinking of dropping what I feel for both of them and focus back on me. I don’t like this thing I feel, really. I’m the one whose heart always gets broken; I don’t break people’s hearts. The difficult thing to do is erasing what I feel for that someone, the not pseudo-special person in my life but I wanted to be. Pseudo-special person and I talked about it before, and that we would both be okay with it no matter what I decide to do.

I have once again proved that the world is a lonely place to live. I mean, it is so damn easy have a special connection, a special bond with a person, but to stand up for it and fight for it is really difficult. It is. Either way, I don’t think I am really ready for a real relationship, and most of the time I am wondering, am I ever going to be ready for that something wonderful in my life? But I know, I have it in me. There are days I am so sure of myself. I know some friends would say, practice makes perfect; that maybe I need to expose myself to this experiences. But I don’t--- I don’t need to cut myself with a knife just to know I’d bleed, right?

Anyway, I actually feel uneasy laying my story like this. I just e-mailed my best friend on what she thinks I should do. Oh, well. I guess, I’ll just let the dice roll like that.

***

Would you be too concerned if like your little brother turns out to be gay? I have a friend, and he’s so concerned because there are people who approached him and asked if his “little brother” is gay (My friend knows about his “little brother” being a homo. Well, this entry might explain things). I told him, it shouldn’t be a problem. Ultimately, the choice of his “little brother” is what matters and what is important is that he won’t live a miserable life in the future. My friend’s just unsure of what I said.

Charmander

Naabutan ko ang ate ko na inaayos ang mga lumang damit and stuffs na ipapamigay na daw nila sa mga kapit-bahay na mas nangangailangan nun. Ang dami kasi nilang damit na luma eh. At saka, lumalaki na rin ang mga pamangkin ko. So, hayun, inayos niya.

Pati mga lumang laruan ipapamigay na rin nila. Yung isang pamangkin ko kasi na Grade 3 na ngayong pasukan, ipapamigay na ang Charmander stuff toy niya. Palibhasa, Mr. Bean na ang kinahuhumalingan, kaya naman si Teddy na ang bagong stuff toy na madalas niya kasama.

In-inspeksyon ko si Charmander. Okay pa naman. Kung papipiliin ako sa mga Pokemon, base sa cute-ness, si JiggyPuff ang pipiliin ko. Pero kung coolness ang basehan, sa Psyduck, alang duda. (Alam ko, di na nakakarelate ang mga hindi naman nakapanood ng Pokemon.)

Pero dahil sa na-cute-an ako sa Charmander stuf toy, ah, napagdsisyunan ko na hingin na lang yun. Hehehe, oo. Kung kelan namang bente-singko na ako, tsaka ko nagmay-ari ng stuff toy.

So hayun. Inuwi ko si Charmander sa aking inuupahang espasyo malapit sa trabaho. Natatawa ko, kasi ang sabi ni Roomie, nakakatakot daw si Charmander. Siguro kasi may pangil. At taga Digimon daw yun. Sabi ko, hindi ah. Sa Pokemon yan.

At nung nilagnat ako, naisip ni Roomie na baka daw na-nuno ako dun kay Charmander. Nakakatawa lang.

Pero sa totoo lang, kaya ko kinuha si Charmander ay dahil sa naaalala ko ang mga pamangkin ko. It reminds me of being innocent. Of being care-free. It reminds me of home.

Mas astig pa rin sana kung si Psyduck na lang ang nagustuhan ng pamangkin ko noon.

**********

Kasalukuyan kong binabasa ang book ni Ricky Lee. Hmm... Nakaka-dalawang kwento pa lang ako. Parang di ko gusto ang theory nya, na apat sa lima ang devastated dahil sa pag-ibig. But... that’s reality kung tutuusin. Oh well. Tapusin ko muna yung book.

May question nga pala ako sa karamihan, o sa kahit sinong (sana) magbigay pansin: would you date a disabled person? Kakayanin mo bang ma-in love sa isang taong may kapansanan? Hmm... kasi yung One Liter of Tears, eh. Kung anu-ano tuloy tanong pumapasok sa isip ko. (Defensive mode: Hindi ako nanonood ng OLoT, kundi ang nanay ko.)

Note: Parang naparami ang pics ng entry na ito. Haay...

Saturday Night

It’s Saturday night. The wind blows violently outside. Weather’s been bipolar for the past few days, and I had been sick for the past 48 hours.

It’s Saturday night. I’m supposed to be at work right now. No, I wouldn’t want to be there too, but between getting sick and being at fever-free at work, I think I’ll choose the lesser evil. Okay, now I can’t really see the difference between them.

It’s Saturday night. My mind is racing with thoughts again. I can’t help it. I feel like I am simultaneously listening to about twenty radio stations and all the words from the djocks mouths are being crammed into my brain. And now, I officially have a headache.

It’s Saturday night. A cockroach is flying across the room. Should I chase it and kill it? Darn. I’m too weak for that. Flying roaches! Gross.

It’s Saturday night. Lambert’s singing Ring of Fire on my mp3. how appropriate. But it wasn’t any wild desire that’s making my temperature rise tonight.

It’s Saturday night. Suddenly I’m in tears. Sent a text message to my best friend. No reply, she must be asleep now. Gotta reach out to someone. Gotta reach. ****, still awake? Message sent.

It’s Saturday night. The minutes pass by very slowly. Just had an exchange of text messages with a friend. Suddenly, I feel so vulnerable. And weak. And possibly dehydrated.

It’s Saturday night. My thoughts are with you now. I shouldn’t be thinking of this, I know. But I can’t help it. I do want to be with you. But we can’t. We just can’t.

It’s Saturday night. I’ll be sleeping soon. I’ll be…

Closer

My fingertips
Touching you
I can feel us closer

Secrets shared
What we’ve been through
I can feel us closer

My hope, my fears
Nightmare and dreams
I can feel us closer

Had a heated fight
We made up alright
And then I feel us closer

But when I spoke
Of this thing I feel
I can’t… no longer…

You seem distant
It does appear
Now a mere stranger

I guess I should
Do the same thing
Do it even graver

But know this
That inside me
I want us closer

But maybe we’d never really been

Chaos

My head’s spinning with thoughts right now. And I am powerless to have my thoughts organized. As Corrine Bailey Rae sang, I’d let my hair down for the past weeks. Entries to follow.

Just need to breathe for now.