Current Dilemma

What if you thought you want something but when you sort of have something similar to it, you found out that you could really go on without it? I got myself into a pseudo-relationship right now. Okay, it really is a relationship, but… I sort of feel, not really, you know? Should one be in love already to get himself in a relationship with a person? Honestly, I’m thinking that I am feeling this way because I am hung up with someone; that I still am (subconsciously) thinking of me and that someone being together. Dang!

I am thinking of dropping what I feel for both of them and focus back on me. I don’t like this thing I feel, really. I’m the one whose heart always gets broken; I don’t break people’s hearts. The difficult thing to do is erasing what I feel for that someone, the not pseudo-special person in my life but I wanted to be. Pseudo-special person and I talked about it before, and that we would both be okay with it no matter what I decide to do.

I have once again proved that the world is a lonely place to live. I mean, it is so damn easy have a special connection, a special bond with a person, but to stand up for it and fight for it is really difficult. It is. Either way, I don’t think I am really ready for a real relationship, and most of the time I am wondering, am I ever going to be ready for that something wonderful in my life? But I know, I have it in me. There are days I am so sure of myself. I know some friends would say, practice makes perfect; that maybe I need to expose myself to this experiences. But I don’t--- I don’t need to cut myself with a knife just to know I’d bleed, right?

Anyway, I actually feel uneasy laying my story like this. I just e-mailed my best friend on what she thinks I should do. Oh, well. I guess, I’ll just let the dice roll like that.

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Would you be too concerned if like your little brother turns out to be gay? I have a friend, and he’s so concerned because there are people who approached him and asked if his “little brother” is gay (My friend knows about his “little brother” being a homo. Well, this entry might explain things). I told him, it shouldn’t be a problem. Ultimately, the choice of his “little brother” is what matters and what is important is that he won’t live a miserable life in the future. My friend’s just unsure of what I said.