Morayta

No, I’m not dead. At least not yet.

I’ve been busy at work, being new there and everything. Plus, I’ve been avoiding the internet for the past days. Just for the heck of it.

There’s a lot of things that’s been bothering my head recently. Haven’t had a serious talk with anyone about those things, and right now, I’m just trying to figure out who to trust with my worries.

Yeah. Trust. Not entirely sure if I’d been trustworthy myself and I’m asking the universe for someone to trust.

***

May di ako ma-gets.

Kasi, mula nung lumipat ako ng trabaho, madalas akong nadaraan sa Morayta area. Malapit dun yung review center ko before the board exam.

Agaw pansin yung mga billboard dun. Ang laki eh.

Pero ang di ko ma-gets, eh yung billboard ng mga nursing review center.

Oo, the reviewers have to look good for their ad. Pero kung yung billboard eh nagmumukha ng TH na advertisement ng isang clothing line, eh, parang may mali naman ata.

Okay, engineering kasi ang course ko. Ano bang malay ko di ba? Pero, siguro naman, di mag-eenrol ang isang estudyante sa isang review center para pumorma. Tipo kasing ang message nila ay “pag sa ‘min ka nag-review, yung mga magtuturo sa yo, ganito ang porma” o di kaya “dito ka mag-review, para kasing-cool ka namin sa pagporma.”

Eh, mali naman yung ganun.

Tiningnan ko nga kung may nakasulat ng credentials ng mga reviewers o testimonial ng mga passers or topnotchers sa mga billboard. Yung iba, meron naman kahit paano. Kahit konti. Pero yung founder/ reviewer, parang artista sa billboard nila.

Frustration ba?

Sa mga engineering review centers, listahan ng mga topnotchers na nagreview ang nakabandera.

Ganun ba kadaling kuminsihin ang mga nursing grads na mag-boboard? Pormahan lang?

Di ko talaga ma-gets.

One-Four-Three

How do you tell someone you've been falling in love with them?

Some things are better left unsaid, and must remain unspoken...

For the time being.

Like Breaking-up

Now that my resignation will be officialy effective just a few days from today, I’m realizing that quitting your job is kinda like a break-up. I mean, I haven’t really been involved in a really, really serious relationship before, but I could only imagine that ending your employment, and submitting your resignation letter is like telling that other person that it’s over.

Yeah, I guess life’s just like that. Relationships sometimes work out, sometimes they don’t. Anyway, there’s no rest for the wicked, so to speak, as I will immediately begin my job at another company.

Oh, well. At least there arean’t as many people I will miss from work this time, unlike the time I left my first job.

Today

Today’s lesson: when a cute guy at the arcade asks you how to do a move by Ryu at Street Fighter IV, and there is list of moves near the joystick, one must go ahead and show him how to do it, especially if you have been noticing he’s doing the opposite rotation of the joystick once his character is at the Player 2 side.

It was so stupid of me. I got bored of waiting for the cheque that my boss needs to be encashed and deposited at his account (he asked that of me as a favor), so I went to the nearest mall and tried to be less bored. I was just looking around when this cute guy asked me “Hey, can you do this move? I’m just learning how to play this,” while pointing at Ryu’s move list. It took me by surprise. I was startled. Then I said, “sorry, I don’t know how to do that move either.” Stupid, right? Especially when I know exactly that he had been rotating the joystick in the wrong direction. It could’ve been a good conversation starter! Whatever. Just, whatever.

***

I am just realizing that there would never be a scarcity of lonely hearts out there. Most people may spend their whole lives just searching for their other half, and may never find them. And those who have someone doubt the thing that they have with each other. But we should trust though, that once we find the person for us, let’s be thankful, and realize that we are in fact part of the minority who are happily loving and being loved.

Changes

I realized that like orgasm, enthusiasm is so hard to fake (and it also amazes me that they rhyme too!). I recently resigned from my job. Yeah, I still have to complete the insufferable 30 day turnover (more like twenty-something now), but who are we kidding? My interest in doing my work plunged so fast and so deep the moment I submitted my letter, it reached the earth's core at the speed of light.

It wasn't that bad really, compared to what I seem to imply. Sure, they've hired a dozen of no-good moronic, self-important jerks; they have an engineering department full of architects (no offense to all the architects out there, but let's face it --- aside from drawing plans and being knowledgeable in aesthetics, engineers should be the ones who are doing engineering works, and it's even the root word of that particular department!); and their accountants does not know how to read prices from bus tickets (I'd recommend training them for just that ---how to read bus ticket prices; or better yet, they should at least make sure to hire accountants who knows how to read prices from official receipts, such as bus tickets!).

But, as I've said, it wasn't that bad. Seriously. They've managed to hire a really able manager for the department I'm in (and it was just an added bonus that my boss, well soon-to-be-former boss is cute). And I managed to make at least one friend at work while working for approximately six months (I know, I don’t really warm up to people as fast as I’d want to). Plus, I attended this year’s mud-soaked, we-are-gonna-make-your-body-ache-all-over teambuilding activities. Yeah… right. Way to make employees bond and unite the company by grouping them accoding to their departments and not mixing them up… Hmmm… Did I mention that my boss is cute?

The interesting part was, I was ready to leave the field I am in for this job, I was ready to surrender the engineer part of me. Although I have convinced myself (with some difficulty) that what I actually learned from school would be put to use with the field/industry I am in at the moment, it doesn’t really capture the feel of being… well, an engineer.

And with that, I am now going to embark a new chapter in my professional life soon. I’m very excited at my new job, I don’t even want to come in at my current work anymore. Oh, well.

Blood

I have to get over this the queasiness that takes over me everytime the thought of blood coming right out form my body comes into my mind.

I hate it. It makes me feel so weak.

We talked about blood today at the office. Well, it was about donating blood really. And while the conversation is going on, my imagination ran wild. Leche! I started imagining myself donating blood, started imagining the needles, and the tubes, and started imagining MY BLOOD flowing right out of my body. The effect was so quick. I had difficulty breathing. I felt like vomiting. In fact, I feel like I’m going to be sick right now just be recalling what went to my head earlier.

The annoying thing is, not one person around me felt the same way. Sure, imagining their blood flowing out of their body is not their Kryptonite, but it just frustrates me to feel so queasy like that, and about that.

The thing is, I have no problem with blood. No, not really. I've seen a bloody scene before. Well, not a drop of my blood was involved, but still, it did not bother me. In fact, I feel confident enough to say that if I'd seen, say example my co-workers donating their blood, it wouldn't bother me at all. Just that, thinking about my blood flowing out of my veins makes me nauseous.

I remember it started about two years ago, during my annual physical exam at the company where I used worked. I was on blood pressure medication (still am, unfortunately). The medical technologist then tried to get my blood, but my blood pressure fluctuated so low, my blood refused to be go out my body ( I vividly remember feeling like what I'm feeling right now as I am typing this --- lightheaded and drowsy). So, after a few moments of rest, she managed to get my blood sample (using a syringe) with my other arm. I distinctly recall that it was the first time I felt dizzy because of the thought of my blood flowing out of my body.

I remember a particular Naruto episode (sorry, my anime geek side needed to talk about this). There was this one character, she's strong and all, but then the sight of blood made her nervous (she's got hemophobia). However, considering we are talking about the made up world of Naruto here, her fear of blood was immediately cured within the next few episodes through seeing Naruto struggle to be alive (it took about a few hours on their timeline).

I'm doomed, aren't I? You know what I did earlier, so that none of my co-workers would notice? I tried to breathe. I just focused on inhaling and exhaling, letting the air flow in and out of me. A few minutes after that and I was okay.

On Writing

I love art. Don't you love art? I don't think there exists a person who does not have an affinity for either music, paintings, or poems. Everyone's bound to love, or at the very least, like art.

I believe the best artwork are done from the heart. I believe that the most inspiring songs, the most breathtaking paintings, the deeply-touching stories must have been conceived by the creator's heart, not by his logic.

Writing used to be so easy for me. I didn't care then, who would've stumbled with the things I write, how it will affect how those people see me, I just didn't give a damn.

And I noticed that I just could not come up with anything. What I'd been writing was so bland, I could not post it on my blog. I just... well, am lost at words. I am uninspired.

There was a blogger who I used to read a lot (her blog was now restricted to her friends only, but still, she was so good). Someone commented on her that he was running out of things to blog. She simply answered to write about the minute, insignificant details of his day. Or maybe come up with an entry on what he had for breakfast.

And maybe, that's what should I do. Highlight a part of my daily routine. See, I think I'm slowly being sucked into this dreadful, repetitive but otherwise (and most unluckily) stressful cycle I've been having for months now, since I got a (relatively) new job. I know it sounds bad, but I was dealing then with some very heartbreaking experience (no, I don't think I want to write about it-- it's depressing!) then, and work appears to be the most plausible and easily reachable distraction that I have. But now that I'm (sorta') fine, my daily routine just killing me. No, I have been out with friends during these past months, its just that, I feel so, I don't know, “blah!” about all this (that's very articulate of me, ain't it?).

Why complain about it now? Why whine about being uninspired, being not able to write as much as I want to?

Well, I've read my entries from the very first blog I had. They were amazing. A lot cynical, but otherwise, really good. I'm rarely inspired then, but I have my cynicism, the sharp sarcasm in my words. I was (a bit) mean. (OK, maybe a lot. Maybe.)

I wanna bring that back. The mean-ness in my entry.

I think I have to start being rude to co-workers for that to work.

***

Like I said before, my email is here, it's actually written at the banner. I don't think you could find it unless you are blind though. ;-)

I'm Still Glad I'm Not Straight

I guess I’ll have to write (say) it again for absolutely no reason at all (or maybe to acknowledge a very well known fact for the nth time): straight people have it soooo easy. No matter how whiney they get or how society led everyone to believe that when it comes to building a future, it is fair game to everyone, still, we gay people are in the short end of things. I do have to say this however: their lives are way simple it appears to be boring (and most times, I think, unappealing) compared to the lifestyle gay people has (or have. I’m not really sure which is grammatically correct of the two). Sure there’s challenges in life, but facing our challenges as a gay person is a great feat, I’m surprised there aren’t any mass suicide happening involving gay men and lesbians.

No wonder I refer to us (gay people) as mutants (X-men, Heroes-type, not those creatures with extra appendages) whenever I am talking with my straight friends. I always thought we must have some kind of super power or must have really evolved into something superior, that we are able to face the extra “gay” struggles straight people would never ever have.

***

Have you Googled yourself already? I have. And being new at work, I’ve Googled my colleagues at work too. Some are interesting, others, I found them dull, while there are people who are like ghosts at the web.

And, I find my boss cute. But he’s straight. And married. And has a (bit) dull personality. Am I crushing on my boss? Since I needed to ask that question to myself to be sure, I’m saying no. The thing is that he's just two years older than me, not much of an age, or generation difference. I just think he’s cute. But it’s kinda difficult staring at him when he’s giving me instructions, and I’m being distracted by his eyes. Yes, he’s got happy eyes. The kind of eyes that would still smile even though he’s frowning. Damn, I might be crushing on him. Oh well, it’ll fade.

***

My days so far are passing by me like a blur. Sometimes I don’t even remember what day it was. I hate it. Slowly, my life is being drained out of me, and I fear the time that I might wither due to the dull, surreal routine I’m currently adjusting myself into.

Although, inside me is a resistance. A very strong force that that I am very sure will never ever compromise loss of self identity.

I just need a bit more time to adjust with my new environment.

***

Do you know that somewhere on this page, I’m encouraging eveyone to e-mail me? Hint: If you’re not blind, you might figure out how I’m telling you to e-mail me.

Lent

Lent has always been a very weird season for me. Yeah, we all know hypocrisy is on its peak during lent, with people saying they are reflecting about the way things are with their lives while partying at Boracay. But enough about my cynicism about this lent.

I’m tired.

Well, I’m physically tired. But that can be remedied so easily. Just by staying in bed, asleep for a few more hours, physical exhaustion would e quenched.

But I’m tired emotionally. I’m not really sure how that happens, but I do feel that it is the most appropriate description I could give. My life’s so ordinary now, so bland. Except for a few exceptional friends, I haven’t met any circles of them for the past months.

See, the thing with me is that I don’t really show gloom around people. I think its enough that one of my best friends back in college is a whiner, and she could most probably whine about life for the both of us. The only time I whine is when I’m with my bff, Phoebe, but seeing that she left the country already, I am facing a lot of pent up issues right now (well, there was someone other than Phoebe, but we don’t talk a lot these days anymore).

My problem exactly, is that I don’t really open up to people easily. Sure, I am a model office mate (I think). I get the job done, I am dedicated, but when it comes to warming up to people, when it comes to having a barkada, I suck.

Well, maybe I shouldn’t do that anymore if it’s bothering me this much. Baby steps maybe, I think I’ll start by hanging out with people during lunch break.

Whew, why does it have to be so difficult for the socially inept?

***

I have no idea why the air seems so heavy during lent. No it isn’t because it’s summer, it’s the season. I can’t remember not feeling this way during lent. Weird.

Randomness

Things have been so busy this week. My daily routine is starting to bore me. Don’t get me wrong, I love the challenges my work is presenting, but still, there’s just a mountain of work to do.

***

Someone I know celebrated his birthday yesterday. I’m not really sure if he’s still reading my site, but there’s just things I want to tell him that, I don’t know… I can’t. I just hope my presence in his life did not ruin the already troubled (remember your break-up, in case you are around?) 26th year of his life. Still, I know, I’m such a screw up. My birthday wish? Sounds generic, but I do wish you are happy. Truly happy, and not just in a I’m-happy-at-the-moment-but-when-I-really-think-about-it-I’m-not situation. Would’ve bought you a cap, you know, but I know I’d still feel weird being round you.

***

Crap! I can’t believe that I haven’t blogged for like an eon, and yet, I still couldn’t come up with a decent entry. It’s my daily schedule I tell you. All I do right now is work and sleep at home. Well, there might be some TV and DVD watching from time to time, but really, my life’s so boring right now. Hopefully inspiration will strike next week (if I’d be able to blog) and a decent entry will be posted.

 ***

I have seen Quentin’s Basterds though. I’m weirded out a bit. I mean, I enjoyed Kill Bill, but the Basterds plot on reversing history disturbs me a bit. I guess I’m just a bit of sucker for anything accurate, that the re-imaginatrion of what really happened disturbed me.

***

Oh, and I got my haircut earlier this week. I had it short. Really short. Any shorter my and I might as well join the army. Yeah, right. Me in the army. I can’t really imagine giving up my individuality for duty, so hands down to the soldiers.

***

Have you heard the acoustic version of Gaga’s Bad Romance? I think it’s by a local singer named Pricess. I hate it. I’m just so repulsed by that particular version of the song. I mean, the song was butchered. Its essence got lost. You can’t even feel the emotion that should’ve been in the song. Instead, it was sung in a very cheesy, I’m-so- happy-I-don’t-give-a-damn-that-this-song-is-about-a-person’s-frustration-of-not-being-loved-back kinda way. It just sucks. Sure, if the song is about being free of a toxic relationship, I think it could’ve been sung that way. Gaga’s version is uptempo, but you can feel in her voice the message she’s trying to deliver.

Going Political

People who know me well enough could attest that I don’t really care much about politics. I guess I take it from my scientific idol, who was offered to be the president of a country but refused.

But sometimes, there are just certain issues that get me. I react. Even though I’m just hearing the news on TV, I just blurt out my opinion. I can’t help it.

So now, I’m blurting my opinion on my blog.

See, there’s just been craziness form the Catholic Church now that the Department of Health is working overtime to encourage people to use contraceptives (specifically condoms) during sex. Newsflash priests: people are dying because of AIDS, and unless you can feed and take care of about half the population, then I’ll be joining your cause.

It is just plain stupid. And yeah, I don’t think they could stop the “kids” from being exposed to “sexual” influences anymore, but I can’t see how they are going to spank the parents of those kids for being negligent. And why discourage couples to control birth? Because it’s wrong? Because it’s immoral? I think what’s more evil is bringing a child in this world and not being able to give the best care for that child.

I know the rise of AIDS victims could be tied to gay people. But that’s just more reason to inform the public about this. Sure, the Church is morally obligated to be disgusted with the gay life style but I don’t think they are morally obligated to let people die out of being misinformed.

I’m just being realistic. Population’s booming. AIDS is on the rise. Just because the priest’s can (apparently) control their libido, it does not mean that the rest of us can. They practically all want us to be saints, but that’s not the case. They are being idealistic. And sometimes, being idealistic is just being worse than evil.

So what am I saying? Back off priests. Leave the governing to the government.

***

Is there a presidential candidate who aside from campaigning is integrating voter’s education about the new automated system? Sure, I saw how the Sex Bomb Dancers busted their ass to educate the public, but I really think that as presidentiables, they should be responsible enough to make sure that people are informed about this new election system, even though the voter’s might not vote for them.

And, just mentioning: I’m Catholic, but it irritates me when the Church interferes with what would have been progress because of close-mindedness.

Lunch break

I wrote this article two weeks ago at work at work, during my lunch break, and then I scheduled it to be published now. So, here it is

I neither hate nor love my job right now. Which I believe is a really bad thing, cause I don't really know exactly what to feel towards it. I mean, it is exciting for now, as I am new at this and am just learning the basics (or re-learning on a very different level) the essence of my function at work.

I have been feeling kind of unproductive for the past few days at work. I don't know. I guess I'm just not in the mood to work. To give my 100%. And I do feel that it is wrong. I believe that one always has to give their best, to always try to be their best.

But I guess I'm not being my best today.

A few days ago, I realized that I am a bit shy... okay, a lot shy around people I just met. I'm relatively new at work, and I don't really connect or bond with people as fast enough as I should be I guess. So, I have to admit talking to bosses and colleagues drags a bit.

But I realized, why would I be shy? Why would I let my job not be done just because I feel awkward towards people I just (relatively) met? So after that, I started talking to them more, about work of course.

So if I'm not being slowed down by this “shyness” I possess (like I said, I'm relatively new. After warming up to the people here, I don't think I would have that problem anymore), what causes the lag on my work, my productivity ?

I guess I'm really just feeling lazy.

Happiest

I heard from the morning news recently of a “Happiest Pinoy Award”. And I felt not even a trace of surprise that I found the whole thing ridiculous.

I mean, yes, if your aim is to recognize the happiest amongst the I'm-so-happy-I-think-I'll-stay-in-”lalala”-land-and-dance-forever, then hat's off to you. But c'mon, is there really an actual gauge of being happy? I know, they've set some ridiculous criteria to find out who's more jovial than who, but still, I don't think happiness can be measured and I don't think it should be measured. The happiness-meter can only be found inside us. Having joy is such a relative thing.

And would you believe that they are looking for someone who has a “proven ability to rise above life's challenges” and has “a positive impact in the lives of others”. It's crazy. Haven't the organizers of this thing realized that everyone has challenges of their own, and the fact that mass suicides are not happening in the country practically qualifies every Pinoy in their “contest”? And isn't happiness contagious, so that if you're happy, you are automatically having “a positive impact in the lives of others”?

As I am writing this, I am trying to look for some info on the web about the winner, but I guess the webbie people haven't uploaded info on that yet. However I heard from the morning news that the winner struggled with the various sickness and ailments he has, and that he has a family and is stable financially.

I say bullsh*t. Sure, maybe he did gave a lot to his community, but I don't see him being the “happiest Pinoy”. I firmly believe that it should take a lot more than being sick and shrugging it off your shoulders considering you have money, friends, and family to be the happiest.

I think to own that title, one has to be facing a really, really difficult situation, like being broke, being on your own, and being sick at the same time and yet, you can still smile wholeheartedly. I mean, I expected the winner to be happy. Sure, he's sick, but he's got money, friends, and family. I believe anyone who does have money, friends, and family have absolutely no right to be unhappy. I think the award would be a million times valid if the winner is in a state where even a moron would expect him poison himself already, and yet he doesn't because he is genuinely happy and hoping for a more favorable day.

And you know what's the sickest thing about this? The award is organized by an insurance company, most likely the winners are their clients. They are insured. Yet another reason not to expect unhappiness from them.

Why am I ranting about this? Cause maybe the title's not appropriate. I don't know, I'm not a marketing major, or an advertising expert, but I have a feeling that “Happiest Pinoy Insurance Client Award”, though seems to be more appropriate and valid, wouldn't sell better that the one they had.

Whew!

I haven't really had a lotta time accessing the internet for the purpose of recreation. On weekdays, at work, I am mostly in front of my computer screen, working. Blogger's blocked at work. Right now, work's my priority, so blogging would have to be like secondary to that. Besides, my creative juices seems to be draining for a while now.

Hopefully, things wouldn't be so hectic and so tiring soon.

Endless

I can't seem to put an end to this.

I assure everyone that I'm still not an addict. Can't wait for Zombieland though.

XXVI

Today, I'm 26.

I don’t feel any different really. Just like being 25, only a year older.

And what a difference a year makes.

When all is said and done, I can’t help but to hope that what’s best is yet to come.