Back Issues

I was rummaging through the cabinet here at home when I found a copy of our school paper back in high school during senior year. It’s funny, how memories came rushing inside my head instantly. I wrote for the Filipino journalism class back in high school, and was the Associate editor. Back then, I was not really confident and comfortable writing in English, however thanks to this particular English instructor back in college who taught in a very different way, I gained the confidence to make grammatical mistakes  (I'm still that confident) and learn from those faults.

Anyway, I decided to take a picture of my published articles, I just had to blur my byline and the articles around it (after all, we’re talking about things that I wrote).

***

Oh yeah, I’m still hibernating. Don’t know why I can’t shake that “feeling” off. :-(

Still on Hiatus

If there's such a thing as human hibernation, I am definitely in that state.

Holiday cheers and merry spirits aside, I'm just not feeling anything right now. I haven't been replying to messages and have been avoiding friends for the longest time, just cause there's something that I need to figure out. Hermit mode, I would've told them.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Megalomaniac

Megalomaniac
-a person with a mania for great or grandiose performance
-someone with a delusional mental disorder that is marked by infantile feelings of personal omnipotence and grandeur

I don’t really care much about politics but, really… Nuff said.

Red Ribbon

Well, I’ve been super busy these past few days and well, I have been feeling uninspired (that is, until recently though). Anyway, am busy coz’ got a new job and adjusting and everything.

And… Today (December 1) is World AIDS day. If you’re doing it, do it right and do it safe. That’s it.

****

This song has been hovering in my head for days. I can’t get it off, can’t even shake it, even after listening to FYE for like 3 hours. Then this tune is back. Arrg h!!

Gaga trumps Lambert this week in my head I guess.

Illusion

Water drops constantly falling
They’re rhythmically enchanting
This solace that’s been lingering
Just a single voice whispering

A warmth suddenly engulfing
There’s that picture of you laughing
Though of the time you were singing
And now I can’t help smiling



Look outside the rain is pouring
And my thoughts are with you, reaching
Unsure of what I am feeling
But I do know it’s a good thing

Your arms around me, embracing
I know, that’s what I’ve been wanting
You’re not here but gone and missing
It’s okay, I’m not hurting
‘Cause I stopped over-thinking
I’m just fine with make-believing

Vibes

A few weeks ago, Phoebe and I had dinner somewhere near her work (she works at Makati). I can’t help but feel the vibe of the place really. People walking down the street, some hurrying, while some are not; everyone looks so busy. I did wonder if whether my affinity towards the place would last if I was working there, because most probably it would not. But I feel the vibe though. I like it.

Speaking of vibes from places that I like, I passed through Divisoria earlier this week and I realized, despite the massive amount of people that roams this place this time of the year, that I like the vibe of this place. It’s not because my favorite hobby is squeezing myself though crowds of people, or being exposed to all kinds of stink imaginable when passing here. It’s because I’ve been passing here throughout my high school and college days. Passing here conjures up memories like how I learned the things I need whenever it’s raining, or how to walk without getting mud spots on your pants whenever the streets are muddy, or how to walk really, really fast despite the barriers of people in front of you.

It was nostalgic, walking there. Made me realize, made me think that I should reconnect with those people that are part of those memories.

***

Nakaranas na ba kayo ng tuyong Undas? Wala akong maalala na Araw ng mga Patay na hindi umulan, talagang tuwing November 1, umuulan talaga, kahit sandali lang. Kaya nga, iniisip ko, pilit kong inaalala kung meron bang November 1 na di umulan at all?

(500) Days of Summer

This is what happened last week.

Wednesday afternoon. I received a text message from a friend. It reads:

I just saw (500) Days of Summer! Ang ganda! I could relate to it. Panoorin mo!

I thought, (500) Days of Summer? That’s approximately 17 months. But yeah, I heard of the movie. It was around April or May when E! reviewed it. The review was great, it said it had characters which are believable, the situation could happen to anyone and the way the story was told was different from other romantic-comedies.

But because I don’t really have the time to watch this, I told myself, “What the heck?! I’ll see this whenever.”

Then again by Friday another friend sent a message saying this:

(500) Days of Summer is relatable and moving… Go and see it.

Okay. Second message of the week from another friend urging me to see that movie.

When I woke up tomorrow morning another friend sent this text message:

Nood kami kagabi (500) Days of Summer!!! Ganda ng story, panoorin mo.

That does it. I need to see that film. So Sunday morning I sent a text message to a relatively new friend so we could go and see the film together. There’s isn’t much people watching the film. But then again, there was a mall tour outside of the cast of Patient X. Hmm… Not really into horror films.

Anyway…

The movie was really, really enjoyable. It’s not much of a tearjerker, and I’d definitely say that it wanted to teach something to everyone who saw it. The beginning of the movie has a disclaimer, saying that it’s not a love story. And yes, I do agree (sort of) that it isn’t a love story. We could say that it is just a story that teaches us something about falling in love.

It’s funny in a way that it isn’t trying too hard to make the audience laugh. The way the story was told made the punch lines really effective.

Yeah, I know, it’s really unusual for me to write a movie review, and surprise! It’s a romantic comedy. But I liked it. I liked the way it tells the story. And most importantly, I liked the message it wants to deliver.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. It really is relatable. I found myself in that Tom character.

PvZ Anthem

I ripped this video from YouTube. I'm not really sure who owns the video.

Anyway, I love the video. It was cool and fun. So when my co-worker downloaded that song, I decided to post a link so you guys can enjoy it. But I'm warning you, the quality isn't that good though.

Zombies On Your Lawn (English)
Zombies On Your Lawn (Japanese)

Enjoy!!!

No Surprise Here...

110% Geek

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

A simple “Hey, bitch, grab your things cause I’m moving out soon”

A simple “Hey, bitch, grab your things cause I’m moving out soon” would have been waaaay polite. But I shouldn’t have expected something like that from you right?

Check your messages, I wasn't warned when you're moving out.

Please. Wag namang magmalinis, Mr. Clean.

Enuff said.

Crazy

I feel like being crazy right now. I don’t know. Maybe because I’m being ignored. Ever saw a Telenovela villain come to life? I could be that crazy, you know it and I’m not kidding.

I am not a liar by default. Unlike some people I know. And you know what I think would make them weak on the knees? The truth, of course. The truth, being revealed to everyone around they’ve been telling lies all this time. It isn’t important to me whether those people would believe the truth; the important thing is that doubt would be cast upon the liar. Of course my stories would be a hundred times consistent against the lies.

Of course I’ve had my share of lies. And unlike some liar I know, I don’t really care what others think about me. I even had to double take whether the opinions of those people closest to me about me counts, so no, I don’t really care if my share of lies would be revealed. Besides, I’m continually making peace and accepts my short-comings whenever I’m under attack, so my guard’s definitely 110 % up.

You know what’s really crappy about this? I’m extending the hand of peace here up to a point that I look stupid already, but I’m getting insulted back in return. And that drives me off to crazylandia. No one wants that, believe me.

No, this is not a threat. Enough craziness and I would actually get through with it.

And yeah, I’ve enjoyed saving every relevant exchange of text messages I've had. Talk about giving me ammunitions.

So, what do I want? Peace talk.

Actually, getting my pillows back would suffice.

Regeneration

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

-- “One Art” by Elizabeth Bishop

I love Claire Bennet. Sure, maybe Beth Cooper is more sultry and seductive than Claire, but Beth can’t regenerate like Claire does.

Seriously, I like Hayden. And I really like her Claire character from Heroes. Somehow, I can relate to her (no, I don’t relate to her that way; the last time I checked, I’m still not spontaneously regenerating).

It’s just that recently, I did get hurt. Not physically though. See, I have been so hard on myself because someone close to me was about to say goodbye, and I was in fact fearing that we would be out of each other’s lives for good. And to make matters worst, I did something stupid: something so disrespectful to my friend that caused him to be crazy mad at me. It seems that I couldn’t apologize enough. And maybe I never could.

After that I realized… well, thought that I was feeling a bit more affectionate than what I should for that friend. That I was in love. And maybe I was. And perhaps I still am.

And that’s what hurts the most. To know that I screwed things up. I would never mind carrying an unrequited feeling (whatever that is) for him, just as long as I know I would still be able to talk to him from time to time; to have the knowledge that I would still be able to hear from him some time in the future. To somehow feel that I made an impact in his life; and that perhaps, on some level, I mattered to him.

So I was down for the next few days. Or for about five minutes, I can’t really recall. But I found myself teary eyed during those times when I’m being reminded of what has transpired. That a tie has just been severed between me and a friend.

My best friend, Phoebe, told me that I should be used to this. And I know that. That future ties to be would be severed too; that I should be able to handle goodbyes easily by now. And that, it doesn’t matter, really. Like Ms. Bishop said, it wasn’t a disaster at all

And so now, I’d say I’ve regenerated. Emotionally. Maybe not Wolverine fast kind of healing; it was more of a Claire Bennet-esque regeneration. I got hurt, I felt pain, and I just got over it quickly.

To my friend, thank you for this life lesson I learned.

Last Stand

Umiyak na naman ako ngayon. Alam ko kasalanan ko naman talaga. Sana mapatawad mo din ako. Sana nga dumating ang araw na iyon. Pasensya na, wala akong kontrol sa sarili ko. Tandaan mo lang na lagi kong nanaisin na maging masaya ka sa buhay mo.

At... mahal nga pla kita. Oo, nito ko lang napagtanto at natanggap sa sarili ko na mahal kita. Kaya dobleng pagsisisi ang nadarama ko ngayon.

Salamat na rin at nakilala kita. Kasi ngayon, masasabi ko na talaga ng walang pag-aalinlangan... nagmahal na rin ako.

Patawad...

Bagyong Ondoy

Guess what? I just got out home here at Tondo. I rode the delivery truck into the dry lands just to be able to get home (flooded journey videos from inside the truck below). I stayed for two straight days at work, not getting any real sleep. The place where I work is flooded. I am sure roomie’s stranded there at our place, and I am feeling bad right now. Survivor’s guilt? I don’t know. The power’s been cut off there since Saturday, and there is no way to get food, as all stores around are closed (they’ve been flooded too). I did contemplate and seriously considered going home there, bringing some of the food from work to our place (our bosses at work feed us well, especially that some people aren’t getting any sleep while there, working), and maybe roomie and I would have something to eat (though we would both be stranded there). But to do that, I would have to swim murky waters to get there. And swim murky waters back to work once I am asked to report back.

Wag na lang. Roomie will survive. If the situation were reversed, I don’t think he’ll give as much thought about my situation as I did for him.





So sad. Everything’s flooded in that area. Sabi nga ni Friedrich Nietzsche “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”

***

Update (09/29/09 1104H): I was dead worried about rommie earlier this morning and considered going back to work just to fetch him. My bosses wouldn't mind him there I guess. But voila, a friend sent a message he's OK.

False Bravado

It was earlier this week when a stranger asked me, “was life hard for you when you were growing up?” Instantaneously, my lips stuttered. Without me knowing it, as if I lost control over myself, my eyes started to cry.

No, I’m not gonna tackle the drama of my reply to that question. Maybe you can ask me the same question, and maybe I’ll breakdown like I did. But that stranger’s timing in was so perfect, and I had been feeling vulnerable through the day. Pressure and tension had been building up. It was just so liberating for me that a stranger asked me that, while a simple “how was your day?” would produce the same effect. I guess that is what we need sometimes. When you appear too rough and too strong, even those who are closest to you wouldn’t even bother to doubt the false bravado they are seeing. But it was such a freeing moment, like breathing so free.

And to think that it was just because a stranger asked me a yes or no question.

***

Have you heard of Plants vs. Zombies? Nakakatawa siya at nakakatuwa. Pero di pa naman ako na-aadik though.

Perspectives

Sabi nila, one should always plan things ahead. I agree naman. Kung ikaw yung tao na naghahanap ng Life of Meaning, you’ll always worry about what’s to come (sabi sa Heroes yun. Kasi kung Life of Happiness daw ang goal mo, ala kang iintindihin kundi ang present lang.

Recently, all my plans crumbled into pieces, pakiramdam ko nga, na-disintegrate ang mga iyon entirely. Lam nyo yun, paramng tinamaan ang pasabog power ni Piper sa Charmed? Parang ganun. At recently, pakiramdam ko, na-stucked ako. Ang hirap kaya ng ganung feeling. At, para talaga mas challenging daw ang sitwasyon para sa akin, yung mga tao na inaasahan ko na “rock” ko, eh, sabihin na lang natin na nanghina at nawala.

For a moment there, pinanghinaan na talaga ako ng loob. I was being sucked into a supermassive black hole. Aaminin ko, talagang napaka-hopeless ng pakiramdam. Parang Irvine lang ni Kelly Clarkson. So ayun, nagdrama ako for a week. Or five minutes lang ata. Di ko na maalala.

The point is, perspectives lang ang lahat, parang theme ng ad congress this year. Minsan kasi nakakalimutan ko yun, kasi yung gravity lang ng situation ko ang nakikita ko. Pero kung tutuusin, nakalatag naman talaga ang Plan B, Plan C, Plan D… etc. Di lang talaga ako tumitingin. Di ko pinapansin. At wala akong ginagawa.

Na yun naman ang mali. Kasi, paano ka aasa ng pagbabago kung ala kang ginagawa na bago. Haay… Basta, may pag-asa pa.

Laban lang.

KUMOT

Been having problems writing entries. Tsaka medyo busy eh. Eto, nahalukay ko ang dati kong poem para i-share sa inyo.

Sa init ng kumot ay namamalagi
Habang naghihintay sa yakap mong mithi
Kumot aking hawak pagtulog sa gabi
Kumot ang kasama sa bawat paghikbi

Kumot sa katawan laging nakabalot
At pinapangarap, mahigpit mong yapos
Habang iniisip sabay sa pagtulog
Darating ka ba’t aalisin ang kumot?

Ikaw ba’y kasama sa mga pangarap?
Ating liliparin, mga alapaap?
Ikaw ba’y karamay sa lahat ng hirap?
O hayaang kumot lang ang tangan ko’t yakap?

Tanging hangad lamang ikaw ay makita
Mabatid na nar’yan ka’t laging kasama
Ngunit panaginip, heto’t patapos na
Namulat ako paggising sa umaga
At tanging kumot lang ang aking nakita...

Hindi ka pala dumating.

Self-motivation

“Success is balanced by faults; those who succeed are those people who overcompensate.”
--- Topher, Episode 1, Dollhouse, season 1

“I try to be my best.”

“And are you?”

“What?”

“Are you your best?”

“I’m not sure how to know that”

“I think that if you always try, that’s best”

--- Sierra and Echo, Episode4, Dollhouse, season 1

I used to be the classmate anyone would hate to have. I don’t remember ever cheating back in high school or allowing any classmate to take a peek at my answer sheet during exams. Yeah, I was that bad. I was a grade conscious student then; but then again, so is half the class I was in (I belonged in the cream section). None of my classmates were mean to me though. They just accepted the fact that that’s just the way I am.

I was flattered a lot when my classmates talked about me during my sophomore year in college. No, they didn’t realize I was around; we were at the canteen then, it was lunchtime and the place was so cramped. They were doing the whole Mean Girls thing and were “assessing” classmates (I checked. There was no burn book around). They were talking about how I was busying myself reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets while everyone seems to be too busy reviewing things, cramping notes inside their heads and yet I was acing the tests. They didn’t know though that the secret was reading notes and textbooks three to four chapters in advance at home while watching Charmed (and juggling that with finishing home works of course).

But the next year, I got tired of it. I just felt lost. A friend back in high school said I was experiencing burnout. And maybe I was. (I was frightened though when she said what I was experiencing is irreversible, and my gusto towards what I was doing will never be that strong again. Maybe she was right. But while my gusto was deteriorating, I managed to obtain a government scholarship, compete up to the nationals of our college quiz show, and obtain a spot in the top 20 passers of our professional licensure exam.)

But in the end, my friend was so damn right. My flame was extinguished. I am unhappy. And I am continuing this path of unfulfilled life I am in. I forgot how to overcompensate. I was happy then. Overcompensating. Doing more. But I lost my way.

And now, that Dollhouse quotes I used in the beginning of this entry reminded me of it once more. To do more. To overcompensate. To always try.

I know, my whining and ranting in this entry would not help me. It would not change a thing. And now I will put thoughts into action. I will read notes five chapters ahead while watching TV, figuratively of course.

With this brand new outlook, I’m hoping I would be able to see through this personal task that I had in mind for myself. I have to. And I will.

Little Ashes/ PokerFace

I just finished watching Little Ashes. Yes, initially, I was excited seeing this because it starts Rob Pattinson, you know, the guy playing Edward Cullen from Twilight. But seriously, that’s not the only reason I looked for a copy of this film. It’s a gay themed indie. Plus, it’s loosely (I think) based on what was a romantic relationship between poet Frederico Lorca and painter Salvador Dali, waaay back during the 1920s.

It was a sad movie. A really tragic ending, I’d say. Their relationship ended because they changed. Plus, c’mon, gay relationships during 1920s? There’s no freaking way they’d get their happy ending. But yeah, what’s really heart-breaking about it is that they’ve become… powerless I guess? Powerless against the personal situations they are in. And then after that, they changed. And, they aren’t sexually compatible. If you’d seen the film, you’d know.

What I liked about it is how it showed the development of their romance. It was subtle. It was believable. It was beautiful. I particularly liked the scene where they were swimming on the sea under the light of the full moon. And then they kissed. I was like, who wouldn’t? The mood was so right. Plus there had been sexual tension present between them already.

Wouldn’t it be nice to see just one gay themed (indie perhaps?) film with a happily ever after ending? Oh well, I haven’t seen a lot of same sex happily ever afters, what was I expecting? Maybe in life it would just be enough to enjoy the moment, knowing what’s between the two of you might end eventually. I always believe that it is more challenging to keep up a gay relationship, and I’d say it really is. Other than dealing with the issues you have as a couple, you still have to deal with how the world making it difficult for you to make it.

Anyway, I liked what R-Patz said about Little Ashes in comparison to tweeny film Twilight: (He said this at about 8:40 on the vid.)

"I guess it's devastating. It's when two people essentially fall in love with each other arguably, but no one really knows what the extent of their actual relationship was. It ruins everything in both of their lives. Not so much in Lorca's but it really does destroy a lot of things in Dali. But mainly because he's such an intensely sensitive man. He had so many neuroses about everything. His sanity and his sensibility was such a knife edge his whole life. In Twilight it's kind of the same thing, but they kind of figure it out whereas In Little Ashes they can't figure it out."




Oh, and uh… I now officially now have a crush on Javier Beltran, who plays Lorca on the film.

***

Who likes Lady Gaga? Not my type of songs really, but really, really catchy. Okay, I do like some of her songs. PokerFace, even. But hearing Chris Daughtry sing PokerFace a la Nickelback… whoa! Hear for your self:



Okay, you can download it here. Enjoy..

***

I’m going to pose an age old question to everyone: what’s the definite sign that your liking towards a person’s developed already into love? I always took as doing things selflessly a little bit too much is a definite sign I am falling. I have been feeling really fond of someone, but I have to keep what I feel in check. So whenever I feel my feelings going overboard, I revert into being selfish. Just to not be involved too much.

Weekend Plans

What will I be doing on Sunday? I have work then, probably I will take a leave because of this email I just recieved from a friend:

Dagger,

>>>to ung pupuntahan natin... mag=change sched ka na lang. sabi pati :

Gate 1, South Harbor, Manila Pier 13 (Near Manila Hotel)

If you're travelling from Quiapo (cos i dont know how to get from Katipunan-South Harbor), take a jeepney/FX with a Harrison Plaza sign then alight in Manila City Hall underpass (but dont go down there) then you can see jeepneys with a South Harbor sign right there where you alight. ride the jeepney then tell the driver you have to alight pier 13. :)

If you're going from quirino-taft, take a jeepney/fx with SM Manila City Hall then alight there. Walk down to the underpass to get to the other side of the road then you'll see the jeepney with South Harbor signs then tell the driver you have to alight in pier 13. :) from there, you will see signs/directions going to the ship. you have to walk a little. :)

>>>tapos kain tayo sa harbor view... isama mo si may!!!!!!

Colombian naval training ship to visit Manila July 30-Aug. 2
July 25, 2009, 11:53am

The Armada de la Republica de Colombia (ARC) Gloria, a brig type sail-training ship of the Republic of Colombia, is scheduled to visit the Philippines from July 30 to August 2, 2009. Under the command of Captain Luis Jorge Tovar Neira, ARC Gloria is now on its 63rd cruise to showcase Colombian history to the foreign dignitaries who step onboard and to forge international ties with other countries.

ARC Gloria was named after Mrs. Gloria Zawadsky de Rebeiz, wife of the former Colombian Defense Minister, General Gabriel Rebeiz Pizarro. Inspired by the vision of then commander of the Colombian Navy, Vice Admiral Orlando Lemaitre Torres, to have a Naval Training ship for the needs of his Navy cadets, General Rebeiz signed a peculiar pact on a piece of napkin that stated, “worth one sailboat.”

This, in turn, paved the way for a formal contract to be signed with the Society of Spanish Naval Construction in Bilbao on October 6th of 1966, the result of which is ARC Gloria - a steel-hulled training vessel regally afloat with a length of 76 meters, a beam of 10.6 meters, and a displacement of 1,300 tons.

From then till now, ARC Gloria continues to train and nurture Colombia’s sailors, honing their skills in coastal and astronomical navigation, operations of modern communications equipment, and equipping them with skills and know-how to effectively patrol and defend Colombia’s waters. Aside from this, the training ship has also been providing its students with a unique opportunity to promote Colombia’s rich culture, arts, geography, tourism, and commercial possibilities as they sail around the world. ARC Gloria has already sailed a total of 700,000 miles (equivalent to 30 trips around the world), remained at sea for nearly 6,850 days, and has visited 180 ports in 70 countries, spreading the goodwill of the Colombian nation.

Docking at Pier 13 of the South Harbor, Port Area, Manila, ARC Gloria invites the public to view the scores of pre-Colombian gold and ceramic artifacts on display during guided tours of the ship’s premises on August 1, 10 a.m. to 5 p.m., and August 2, 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. Entrance is free. Onboard to greet guests will be a full crew of 176, around 120 of who are cadets

Nope, I didn't edit the email, except for the "Dagger" part, of course (just replaced my name). Hayy, bahala na. Some real entry to follow soon...

***

I have been weird with my tweets lately. Kasi naman, if someone you consider your friend is such a sloppy liar, tapos you are getting the feeling that the so-called friend really isn’t one, must you do the same? Alam ko, it really shouldn’t matter if your so-called friend doesn’t “befriend” you back, as long as you like him to be your friend. Pero, blatant lies absolutely says “No, you are not my friend, no matter how much friendly I appear to be, and no matter how much I give the impression that I trust you”.

Para Kay B

Tapos ko na basahin ang book ni Ricky Lee. (Actually, matagal ko nang tapos basahin ito). Ayun. Okay lang. Parang may part lang talaga na korny. Basta. Pakiramdam ko, na-desperado na si Ricky Lee kung paano nya pupunuuin ng mga salita yung mga pahinang yun kaya korny lumabas. Ayos naman yung book. Okay naman yung philosophies nito. At talagang sinunod nya yung premise, isa lang talaga ang masaya out of five. Pero parang mali yung statistics. I mean, twenty percent ang masaya? As in yung totoong masaya ah, hindi yung relatively masaya lang. Pakiramdam ko mas mababa pa dun. Siguro maximum na ang ten percent.

Anyway, basta lamang pa rin ang mga miserable. Yun naman talaga yung point nung book eh. Ipaalam sa ating lahat ang alam na natin talaga--- na mahirap magmahal. Na kakayod ka talaga. Mag-eefort. You should be working your ass off. Pero pag tama ang timpla mo (Pop Cola?), maswerte ka. Yun nga lang, statistically speaking e madalas mali timpla natin sa pag-ibig (Daw. I doubt naman kung me statistical study talaga that proves nga na 4 out of 5 ang devastated sa pag-ibig.).

May kaibigan ako, sabi nya gusto nya inaalagaan siya sa isang relasyon. Siya lang daw mag-aalaga kung mahal niya talaga yung tao. Ang gago, ano? Kaya lang, ganun talaga e. He wasn’t really into any of his ex-girls. So yung past relationships niya eh, miserable yung mga ekis nya, hindi lang dahil sa hindi nagpipigil yung kaibigan ko while they are having sex (iniisip ko kung nag-orgasm ba yung mga ekis nya, eh sabi mismo ng kaibigan ko, “seconds” lang daw e tapos na siya agad), kundi dahil sa parang tanga sila na “minahal” yung kaibigan ko (na, inamin naman nya sa kin, sina-satiate niya lang naman yung libido niya). Syempre, yung kaibigan ko rin, pathetic. He’s looking for love but settling for something less. Ouch. Ouch lang talaga. Oh, well.

May kaibigan naman akong feeling ko masyadong hopeless romantic. Masyadong hung-up sa “crush” nya dati. At mataas ang panlasa sa guys (pero yung crush nya, it does not fit her type). Kaya lang, gusto ko sabihin sa kanya, na sa real world na ginagalawan natin pare-pareho, uber-good looking guys (actually, lahat ng guys) would go after girls with very, very attractive and alluring physique. Either mag make-over muna sya or alisin nya ang manang within her. Sabi nga sa forwarded text message sa akin noon, talo daw ang mga magagandang babae sa malanding babae. I don’t know, Maybe my friend just needs to let her hair down a little bit. A little lang ah, I’m not saying she should be a slut.

Siguro nga, masyado nang ideal yung ideal na pag-ibig, parang alamat na lang yun. Ewan. Kasi kahit naman si Ricky Lee siguro, hindi naman eksperto sa pag-ibig. Yung mga Love experts? Ewan. Eksperto siguro sa kompromiso. I think real love is beyond us, so we are lucky if we felt it. What do I know, really? I ain’t an expert myself. I’m just talking my ass off.

Pointing Things Out

Isusulat ko ang entry na ito sa TagLish para mas malinaw.

Para sa Iyo,

Tulad ng sinabi ko sa text message ko sa iyo noong Biyernes, hindi ako nakikipag-away. Sinabi ko lang sa iyo yung nagiging lagay ko. Oo, I have been rude nung Thursday night pero what d’you expect? I left the place at 6 am for work, and I returned at what time? 10:30pm? 11:00pm? With music blaring loud, and your “bisitaS” still there, hanging with you. (I’d like to emphasize the S, meaning it’s more than one, like always). Would you rather have me in a confrontational state then, throwing hissy fits around? (Though I don’t really know what exactly is a hissy fit. It sounds very revolt-ey). So mas maigi na yung di ko kayo pinagpapapansin, at nagtulug-tulugan ako despite the music you’re playing. Although, I have to admit, I felt a little revenge-y then, kaya nga kahit pagod na pagod at puyat na puyat na ako, I think I still managed to disturb your sleep then.

You know what’s very wrong with what happened this week? You left me alone with your bisita, like you always do. Critical point has been reached, eh. Buti sana kung ang alam ng mga bisita mo e magka-roomies lang tayo, ang kaso your official story to everyone about us being cousins is out there, so alangan namang hayaan ko lang yung bisita mo dun, tratuhin kong invisible sila, o di kaya di ko na lang talaga pansinin. She actually asked where I am from, and I was confused kung ano ba ang isasagot ko. Should I lie? Should I tell the truth? Don’t worry, I gave an answer that would fit a gray area. Kung alam nilang roomies lang tayo, di ko man sila kausapin, tratuhin ko man silang invisible if I want to, it wouldn’t matter, kasi I am not obligated to cater to them. Hindi ako ma-oobliga na asikasuhin sila, kasi technically, bisita mo lang sila, hindi natin. I would not have the feeling of being obligated na asikasuhin ang mga bisita mo.

I’m gonna tell you the issue I had this week. When I got there mula sa ‘min nung Monday, andoon na yung bisita mo. Well, you forewarned me naman eh. Don’t misinterpret this, hindi ko issue yung mismong bisita mo; I do not have anything against them. Puyat ako noon, and I really want to sleep early. Six in the morning nga ang pasok ko di ba? Didn’t it even occur to you na I’m texting you that night kasi I want to sleep so bad already. You jokingly (I hope it was a joke) texted back asking me kung di ko na matagalan yung bisita mo. Can you recall me asking you how our sleeping arrangements will be? Kasi antok na antok na ako noon. Kasi I badly want and need to sleep na. Pero nag-overtime ka sa work mo, eh. Sinabi ko ba sa bisita mo na, “Hoy alam mo puyat ako, bahala ka dyan sa buhay mo, gusto ko na matulog!” Hindi naman di ba? I was being polite. I was accompanying your bisita. Trying to make her feel at home, make her feel not so out of place. Alam mo yun, yung hindi ko naman siya hinayaan na nakatitig na lang sa kawalan mag-isa niya. At ginagawa ko yun habang antok na antok na ako.

The next day, ganun pa rin. I was expecting you to be home, para naman asikasuhin yung bisita mo. But surprise! Umuwi ka pala sa inyo. You’re texting me on how me and your bisita should arrange our sleep. Ay naku! Late na bumalik si bisita, tapos ayun, sorry, di ko talaga masunod yung sleeping arrangement na iniinsist mo. So nung nag-insist yung bisita mo na sa sofa siya, hindi na ako tumanggi. Dahil nga pagod na pagod at antok na antok na ako.

So the next night, when your visitors moved out, it was such a relief. Again, walang problema yung bisita mo. Siya pa nga nagsabi sa kin na she’ll move na that night. Nung gabi lang na yun ko nalaman na umuwi ka pala sa inyo the day before. Di mo na nakikita that something’s wrong with what you did? Di ko naman kaibigan yung iniwan mo, di mo rin naman ako kamag-anak para ako mag-tend sa visitor mo, at di rin naman ako obligated para asikasuhin at siguraduhing hindi naO-OP yung bisita mo.

And of course, the infamous Thurday evening, kung saan yes, nagdabog ako. Nkwento ko na yung side ko of this story sa simula nitong entry.

So nung Friday, inaasahan ko I would be able to rest, play some music, maybe sing along few songs. Surprise! May bisita ka na naman. At ibang tao ulit. At wala ka ulit dun, kasi nga 2pm na ang labas ko, and 6pm ka pa uuwi. That’s when I decided to inform you. Sobra na kasi. I decided na magpunta na lang sa bangko. Pagbalik ko, aba, nandoon pa rin bisita mo. Alam mo yun? Di ako makagalaw ng maayos. Nagsumiksik lang ako sa pwesto ko, sa kama, hanggang sa dapuan ako ng antok at makatulog na talaga.

We agreed we can bring friends over. Except for 3 friends on 3 different occasions (you invited my friend over dun sa isa), na magkakalayo ang panahon na dinala ko yung mga bisita ko na yun, ala ka nang naabutan na bisita ko dun. Hindi ko hinahayaang ma-out of place ka. Hindi kami nagsasalita sa dialect na kami lang ang nakakaintindi. (Pagdating dito, I applaud your bestfriend. I do remember nung unang nagpunta siya dun, siya pa talaga ang nagsabi sa ’yo na managalog. Kasi nga kahit saan namang kultura, I believe, kabastusan yung isang grupo kayo ng mga tao tapos may isang hindi nakakaintindi ng salita ninyo, and yet lahat kayo nagsasalita in your dialect. That’s the moment I decided I like your bestfriend, kasi it showed me he knows respect. Naging komportable lang ata sya na magsalita in your dialect nung nagulat sya na na-decipher ko ang sinabi nya tungkol sa Spongebob). At hindi kita iniiwan kasama ng mga bisita ko. (Oo, I was rude during the time we were having a fight at dala-dala mo yung gang mo nun, at nagpa-iwan ako talaga nung nandun ang bestfriend mo nung unang beses na nagkita kami. Like i said, your bestfriend was straing into space a lot then, at ikaw na may sabi na problemado yung tao). Napaka-frequent kasi, at iba-ibang crowd pa.

You always said that when you were with your ex-girl, she brought out the best in you, that you were a lot better person when you are with her. I can definitely see that now. In fact, when I think about it, our fights started when you broke up with your girl. That’s when you started bringing the whole baranggay to spend three nights on what feels to be in a bi-weekly basis. Well, sana lang, this doesn’t mean you will start degrading into the person you were before you met your ex. It makes me wonder you know, why look for a roomate when you are bringing friends with you that frequent? Do you seriously want me out para nga you can let your gang hang out there freely? Then tell me so, in my face. Besides, the now less than twenty-one days you gave me in your text message doesn’t seem enough time for me to look for another place, but if you are really serious, then I will move out. You still haven’t given me a straight up answer why’d look for a roomate in the first place. But know that I still, and I think I always will look up to you, like a kuya, despite all this.

PS. This entry may be angsty, but really, I’m just trying to point things out. Sabi ka ng sabi ng “magaspang” ang ugali ko, but when I am asking you to explain to me kung paanong naging “magaspang” ang ugali ko, you just evaded the question (is it because you cannot think of an incident na magaspang nga ang ugali ko, except for that Thursday night pagdadabog that I did?)

Current Dilemma

What if you thought you want something but when you sort of have something similar to it, you found out that you could really go on without it? I got myself into a pseudo-relationship right now. Okay, it really is a relationship, but… I sort of feel, not really, you know? Should one be in love already to get himself in a relationship with a person? Honestly, I’m thinking that I am feeling this way because I am hung up with someone; that I still am (subconsciously) thinking of me and that someone being together. Dang!

I am thinking of dropping what I feel for both of them and focus back on me. I don’t like this thing I feel, really. I’m the one whose heart always gets broken; I don’t break people’s hearts. The difficult thing to do is erasing what I feel for that someone, the not pseudo-special person in my life but I wanted to be. Pseudo-special person and I talked about it before, and that we would both be okay with it no matter what I decide to do.

I have once again proved that the world is a lonely place to live. I mean, it is so damn easy have a special connection, a special bond with a person, but to stand up for it and fight for it is really difficult. It is. Either way, I don’t think I am really ready for a real relationship, and most of the time I am wondering, am I ever going to be ready for that something wonderful in my life? But I know, I have it in me. There are days I am so sure of myself. I know some friends would say, practice makes perfect; that maybe I need to expose myself to this experiences. But I don’t--- I don’t need to cut myself with a knife just to know I’d bleed, right?

Anyway, I actually feel uneasy laying my story like this. I just e-mailed my best friend on what she thinks I should do. Oh, well. I guess, I’ll just let the dice roll like that.

***

Would you be too concerned if like your little brother turns out to be gay? I have a friend, and he’s so concerned because there are people who approached him and asked if his “little brother” is gay (My friend knows about his “little brother” being a homo. Well, this entry might explain things). I told him, it shouldn’t be a problem. Ultimately, the choice of his “little brother” is what matters and what is important is that he won’t live a miserable life in the future. My friend’s just unsure of what I said.

Charmander

Naabutan ko ang ate ko na inaayos ang mga lumang damit and stuffs na ipapamigay na daw nila sa mga kapit-bahay na mas nangangailangan nun. Ang dami kasi nilang damit na luma eh. At saka, lumalaki na rin ang mga pamangkin ko. So, hayun, inayos niya.

Pati mga lumang laruan ipapamigay na rin nila. Yung isang pamangkin ko kasi na Grade 3 na ngayong pasukan, ipapamigay na ang Charmander stuff toy niya. Palibhasa, Mr. Bean na ang kinahuhumalingan, kaya naman si Teddy na ang bagong stuff toy na madalas niya kasama.

In-inspeksyon ko si Charmander. Okay pa naman. Kung papipiliin ako sa mga Pokemon, base sa cute-ness, si JiggyPuff ang pipiliin ko. Pero kung coolness ang basehan, sa Psyduck, alang duda. (Alam ko, di na nakakarelate ang mga hindi naman nakapanood ng Pokemon.)

Pero dahil sa na-cute-an ako sa Charmander stuf toy, ah, napagdsisyunan ko na hingin na lang yun. Hehehe, oo. Kung kelan namang bente-singko na ako, tsaka ko nagmay-ari ng stuff toy.

So hayun. Inuwi ko si Charmander sa aking inuupahang espasyo malapit sa trabaho. Natatawa ko, kasi ang sabi ni Roomie, nakakatakot daw si Charmander. Siguro kasi may pangil. At taga Digimon daw yun. Sabi ko, hindi ah. Sa Pokemon yan.

At nung nilagnat ako, naisip ni Roomie na baka daw na-nuno ako dun kay Charmander. Nakakatawa lang.

Pero sa totoo lang, kaya ko kinuha si Charmander ay dahil sa naaalala ko ang mga pamangkin ko. It reminds me of being innocent. Of being care-free. It reminds me of home.

Mas astig pa rin sana kung si Psyduck na lang ang nagustuhan ng pamangkin ko noon.

**********

Kasalukuyan kong binabasa ang book ni Ricky Lee. Hmm... Nakaka-dalawang kwento pa lang ako. Parang di ko gusto ang theory nya, na apat sa lima ang devastated dahil sa pag-ibig. But... that’s reality kung tutuusin. Oh well. Tapusin ko muna yung book.

May question nga pala ako sa karamihan, o sa kahit sinong (sana) magbigay pansin: would you date a disabled person? Kakayanin mo bang ma-in love sa isang taong may kapansanan? Hmm... kasi yung One Liter of Tears, eh. Kung anu-ano tuloy tanong pumapasok sa isip ko. (Defensive mode: Hindi ako nanonood ng OLoT, kundi ang nanay ko.)

Note: Parang naparami ang pics ng entry na ito. Haay...

Saturday Night

It’s Saturday night. The wind blows violently outside. Weather’s been bipolar for the past few days, and I had been sick for the past 48 hours.

It’s Saturday night. I’m supposed to be at work right now. No, I wouldn’t want to be there too, but between getting sick and being at fever-free at work, I think I’ll choose the lesser evil. Okay, now I can’t really see the difference between them.

It’s Saturday night. My mind is racing with thoughts again. I can’t help it. I feel like I am simultaneously listening to about twenty radio stations and all the words from the djocks mouths are being crammed into my brain. And now, I officially have a headache.

It’s Saturday night. A cockroach is flying across the room. Should I chase it and kill it? Darn. I’m too weak for that. Flying roaches! Gross.

It’s Saturday night. Lambert’s singing Ring of Fire on my mp3. how appropriate. But it wasn’t any wild desire that’s making my temperature rise tonight.

It’s Saturday night. Suddenly I’m in tears. Sent a text message to my best friend. No reply, she must be asleep now. Gotta reach out to someone. Gotta reach. ****, still awake? Message sent.

It’s Saturday night. The minutes pass by very slowly. Just had an exchange of text messages with a friend. Suddenly, I feel so vulnerable. And weak. And possibly dehydrated.

It’s Saturday night. My thoughts are with you now. I shouldn’t be thinking of this, I know. But I can’t help it. I do want to be with you. But we can’t. We just can’t.

It’s Saturday night. I’ll be sleeping soon. I’ll be…

Closer

My fingertips
Touching you
I can feel us closer

Secrets shared
What we’ve been through
I can feel us closer

My hope, my fears
Nightmare and dreams
I can feel us closer

Had a heated fight
We made up alright
And then I feel us closer

But when I spoke
Of this thing I feel
I can’t… no longer…

You seem distant
It does appear
Now a mere stranger

I guess I should
Do the same thing
Do it even graver

But know this
That inside me
I want us closer

But maybe we’d never really been

Chaos

My head’s spinning with thoughts right now. And I am powerless to have my thoughts organized. As Corrine Bailey Rae sang, I’d let my hair down for the past weeks. Entries to follow.

Just need to breathe for now.

An Open Letter

Dear You,

It would have been easier if you had just let my mood swing pass. Ignore it. Haven’t I told you? I’m twenty-five going on fifteen. It has always been this way, and I don’t think I will change anytime soon. Why do you think I left home anyway? Don’t worry, I will grow up eventually. Just not now, and definitely not this instant.

I am very well aware that we don’t really click that much. And yeah, maybe you were trying--- no, pretending to be nice, just so we could be in sync for a while.

But of course, eventually, all pretenses have to be scrapped away.

No my friends do not bow down to me. I am not, have not been, and I do not think I will ever be a queen bee of any clique that I am and will be a part of. My friends just happen to know better, to let the mood swing pass, to let the storm subside.

Then again, you said it yourself; I am just but a stranger to you. In spite of all the secrets that you have told me (which I admittedly indiscreetly handled and shared to people who I don’t think would ever cross paths with you) and the personal demons I shared, I am just a faceless, nameless dude to you. And looking back, maybe I could just say the same thing to you.

I am not afraid of being alone. I’m actually cold-hearted, selfish, and deep-down I really do not care about anyone but myself, and the people I care about--- family and yes, friends. You have no idea what I’ve been through with my closest of friends, so you have no right to judge me like that. Is staying with you for a few months, talking with you for a few hours a week enough to know me that well? Nope, I don’t think so.

Do you know why those friends of mine still have me around despite my mood swings that often sends their day between the edge of boring and utterly ruined? It’s because I am worth all that drama they have to stand up to.

To be honest, my mood swing was bout to subside already. But you just had to react, and I had to counter-react, till we had a cycle going on. It was about this time that my mood swing transcended into full fury already. I was so mad. And you just had to take a personal blow that was just uncalled for.

No, a stranger like you would have zero weight when it comes to any words you say. But I won’t let that personal blow fly by. So I retaliated, with what I had been thinking about the screwed up relationship you have been struggling to hold on to.

You know what? I am glad we had this fight--- I am not really sure if this one will be fixed. The sharpest of words have been exchanged, and no, I will not “bow down” to you as well. I forewarned you about my mood swing, I guess I should’ve suggested for you to ignore it. But I am sure of one thing though, if ever we will part ways now because of this, I will miss what could’ve been. You know me, I’m sentimental. And yet, not really, no. Especially that all this time, we actually are strangers to each other.

Dagger

Four Plus

What do you say to a friend who just ended his “four plus”-year relationship with his girlfriend?

I was actually a bit surprised to hear that my friend broke up with his girlfriend. A bit, because frankly, I am expecting them to break up, just not that soon though. Although he had been talking about getting married already and stuff, I’ve seen him complain on how his relationship was going.

Naturally, I struggled for a thing to say. I can’t imagine how bad he must feel. I’ve never had a relationship that lasted that long, so I wouldn’t really know. And I told him that. I asked him, and was, is, actually hoping that they could still find a fix, but he’s mind’s made up. By the way, I heard the news and the details from my friend a few days he ended his relationship.

And so I sent a text message with that message in the opening sentence of this entry to friends and “textmates” (I have an issue with this particular word; something’s just not right with it) hoping that from the replies, I would be able to form an advice or at the very least a not-so-insane, I-can’t-really-react-because-I’ve-never-experienced-that-kind-of-thing-before reaction to what my friend had been through.

Reply number 1: Just let him express his feelings. Makinig ka lang. That will be enough. La ka rin naman magagawa eh.

Reply number 2: Si **** ba yan? Haha. Maraming memories ang 4 plus years. Ten to twenty percent na yun ng buhay at growth mo. Kung siya ang nakipagbreak, hmm… tingin ba niya yun ang makakabuti?

Reply number 3: Move on and move forward. Mahirap pero yun ang dapat.

Reply number 4: Well... Pag-usapan nila yan!

Reply number 5: Nakakapanghinayang yung time.

Reply number 6: Sayang naman. Bakit? Well, kung di na maayos, wag nang balikan ang nangyari na.

Reply number 7: Dagger, hindi ko din alam, pero I would either let him forget about what happened and take him elsewhere or just listen attentively and do the “I know how you feel” stuff

Reply number 8: be thankful it was just four plus years not five or six or a lifetime in case their married. Mahal magpa-annul. Be thankful it happened now, not later. Four plus years na nga, wag ng dagdagan by being bitter. Charge it to experience. He’ll get over it and he’ll be thankful that it did end. Walang namamatay dahil heartbroken.

In the end, Reply Number 8 won. It stood out, and the last I heard, that’s what my friend is doing right now. He’ll be fine, don’t worry.

But I still wonder, what would you guys say to my friend?

Langoy-langoy

I am planning to take swimming lessons. No, I do know how to swim. Well, sort of.

There’s actually a story that my mother likes to tell every family gathering (or any social gathering for that matter) that’s held anywhere near a pool or around the beach (actually, I don’t think I’ve been with my mother at a beach, she’s just not the let’s-go-on-a-vacation-and-check-out-the-beach type). She said that I’d drown when I was a kid, or at least I faked drowning. I’m not really sure what happened I was too young to remember. She said that I just jumped into the water and floated, not moving a single muscle. That’s why they thought I was drowning. Big bro immediately jumped into the pool and rescued me (not that I really needed it). I asked her how I reacted after I was “saved”. She said I just looked puzzled, as if asking them what’s wrong.

And because of that, my mom had a water-phobia for me. Yeah, I didn’t join a lot of beach or pool outing. And when she finally did allow me to, I really didn’t feel like drowning; I half-wished I had the courage I had when I was a kid. Either that or being uninformed about drowning, I’m not really sure what gave me the bravado of jumping into the water like that.

It was only a couple of years ago that I managed to swim somehow. Big bro number 2 gave a lot of tips actually. But it wasn’t enough. I can’t swim with my head above the water; I just stroked sideways and apparently managed to move in the water. Oftentimes, my head hits the wall of the pool. That’s how I learned my so-so swimming.

I just hope I would get on and through with this. I’ve already talked to co-workers about it, so most probably they wouldn’t touch my schedule for a couple of weeks. I won’t be able to sleep right during those times and yeah, it would be quite a challenge.

But I need a victory right now. My mod needs it. It already shifted from gloomy to apathetic, and hopefully after learning to swim properly, my impassiveness would turn into being jovial.

I just hope I won’t get bored with it and drop the whole thing midway.

****

Oh yeah, saw idol’s disco night. Yeah, I love Adam Lambert’s toned down “If I Can’t Have You” rendition. I like the live version better than the studio recording.

Adam Lambert- If I Can_t Have You (live).mp3 - Adam Lambert

The Race

So little time, try to understand that I’m---
I’m trying to make a move just to stay in the game,
I’m trying to stay awake and remember my name,
But everybody’s changing and I don’t feel the same.
- “Everybody’s Changing” by Keane

***

Wednesday night. I was watching Idol when my phone beeped revealing a text message from my best friend. She told me she just got engaged. I was a bit surprised to hear that news actually.

Met her the next day for lunch along with another friend of ours where we talked about her wedding plans. She’s planning to get married next year. Throughout the conversation I was suggesting a number of wedding songs for her wedding. It’s so funny.

***

Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
- “Put Your Records On” by Corrine Bailey Rae

***

I was on my way home then when I the conversation caught up on me. She’s getting married already! And she and her boyfriend have only been together for about a year when she made that decision. She said it felt right saying yes to the guy. And I bet it did.

Anyway, suddenly out of nowhere I felt nostalgic about it. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for my friend, but all of a sudden I felt like I was being left out, like being stranded on a race and all of my friends are getting married one by one. I was being sucked into that black hole chain of thoughts when I decided to re-evaluate the way I see this.

Finding someone to be with for the rest of your life is difficult. And maybe, I’m just not focusing a lot of energy in being involved in a romantic relationship right now, and I know, I shouldn’t. When the time is right, it will be worth it. Besides, as my friend told me, we always end up with the partner that we deserve.

***

A bit of an amusing anecdote when we were talking on how her boyfriend proposed: She said her boyfriend was planning to ask her but was not prepared. So when she said yes, and after the excitement (not sure of this particular word that I used) settled down, he said he will buy her an engagement ring. I was not surprised at all that my didn’t want an engagement ring.

I told her, “if it will make him happy to buy you that engagement ring let him”.

But she said ,”What for? What will I do with it after the wedding?”

“You’re supposed to wear it with your wedding ring,” I replied.

“I don’t want to have two rings on my finger after we get married. I only need one.”