Song of the Moment

This song has been playing in my head lately and I don't know why. The version performed by Jason Castro on AmIdol 7's Beatles Night 1.

If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
'Cause I've been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands

If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her

If I trust in you oh please
Don't run and hide
If I love you too oh please
Don't hurt my pride like her

'Cause I couldn't stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain
So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two

If I fell in love with you

Yeah, nice lyrics, beautiful melody. At hindi ko alam kung bakit lately nasasaisip ko ang kantang ito.

E. K.

I woke up so damn early last Saturday. The day ended at the place I’m renting near work with co-workers sleeping with me.

We woke up quite late the next day. I remember feeling so damn tired.

Pre-Valentine Cases Part 2: Roomie’s Story

My Roomie opened up to me on our my first night of staying there. His situation, well, is something not unheard of, but I do admit, I feel really different meeting someone like him.

His family adopted twins, which apparently, grew up with them. One of the twins, which for the purpose of this entry I will baptize as B1 (and his twin B2), was really close to him. He likes to call B1 bata (kid) and still sees B1 that way. He told me they use to stargaze back home, he used to help him with the kid’s homework. He and B1 share a room, (I’d like to ask him why B1 isn’t sharing a room with B2, but was sort of sleepy to do so) and although they have separate beds, B1 still sleeps beside him.

It was 2004 when he started working and he rarely visits home then. So when he came home one night, B1 cornered him. You know, the stories you read in KK? I don’t think I need to give the details here. B1 was 14 then.

And so he tried to play it cool as if nothing happened. Back to their routine. But when he introduced his girlfriend to them, B1 started avoiding him. No more stargazing. No asking for help in doing his homework. And worse, no talking to Roomie.

That’s when Roomie started to be confused with his feelings towards B1. He checked B1’s Friendster account, and discovered a whole bunch of his pictures taken without his knowledge. Stolen shots.

And so for four years he’s all too mixed up with what he really feels for B1. So, when 2009 enters (he specifically told me it was on the New Year’s celebration), he approached B1 and told him to put everything behind them. He said B1 was clearly surprised at the move he made. Nonetheless, they’re in speaking terms now. And he’s so happy about it: he didn’t have to tell me that but his eyes were making it obvious.

And so here is his dilemma: Roomie plans to get married this year with his girl. His girlfriend doesn’t want to be married yet, but he does. They have been talking about it for a while now. I thought that was a stupid move on his part, not just because I believe marriages are stupid. The only good thing about it is that his girlfriend does not want to be married. Yet.

He’s afraid how B1 would react once he found out about the whole planning to get married thing. And, he (Roomie) is also confused whether what he feels for B1 is just something brotherly, that maybe he’s just excited at the thought that they are talking again, or what he feels is something more. And he also wants to find out if B1 has feelings for him.

After mulling over what he told me, and letting the shock settled first (I told you, I haven’t met someone like him. I think his story borders incest), I told him all that shit does not matter. He better figure out first what he really wants. It does not matter whether B1 feels something for him, or that he's about to be married. He has to know first if what he wants in life is exactly like that. And annulment is a very difficult process, I’ve heard.

But honestly, I'm not 100 percent down with what I said. Maybe it is better if he sticks to the norm.

Pre-Valentine Cases Part 1: Lies We Tell Ourselves

I heard this story months ago.

Meet friend number 1. Uber-cheesy. The kind of person who believes in the power of love and good trumps evil. Really, his principles are in la-la-la land.

He told us his girlfriend asked for a cool off. Not a good sign. They have been in cool-off mode for like three months already when he told his story. WTF?!? A three-month long cool-off? What is cool-off anyway? I immediately told him to use his cool-off time to determine whether it is still worth it to be in the relationship, to wait. Besides, he cannot be prosecuted if he found someone new. They were on a “cool-off”.

He did some really stupid things though. He got drunk with some friends, and kissed a friend of his while asleep. He apologized to her though, but still, being intoxicated and lonely ain’t an excuse.

I told him that lowered my opinion of him. I thought he was a gentleman, someone chivalrous. But I did try to be open-minded about it though. Besides, it was just a kiss, but still, he stole it in the most ill-mannered way. Later, I discovered he was lying about the timeline of the “cool-off”. They’ve been that way for seven months. But you know what I really thought? That they’ve already broken up, and that he’s just deluding himself out of his heartache. I told him what I thought. He brushed me off. Can’t handle it I guess, but that’s what he needs, to move on, to find someone new. I dunno. Last I heard he's meeting new lady acquaintances.

Work Jitters

I don’t get emotionally attached.

No, let me rephrase.

I don’t get emotionally attached, easily.

See, I have been working in the same vapid company for almost three years now. Pretty boring job, really, especially if you’re brain hungers for more than 100 percent brain activity all the time (like in my case).

We are all underpaid too. No, I know each of us feels underpaid on our jobs, but I’d bet a whole month’s salary that I, and my co-workers actually, are waayyy underpaid than you.

And to make things worse, the people in the place I work seems to be trapped in a time loop and not moving forward. Yeah, they are trapped in the past. Old ideals, you know. The kind of thing that kills New Age Yuppies like me slowly and painfully.

See, the only thing that made me cling to this company is the kick-ass industry that where they are involved. It just matched the course I’ve taken in college all too well. Ultimately, this isn’t the industry and the type of work I really want to do. It’s just a job that pays the rent.

Despite all that shit, I adjusted well. I worked the hours. I got through the boring everyday conversations with uninteresting co-workers. I followed from bosses and the sirs around. Basically, I dotted every i’s and crossed all the t’s.

And now, an opportunity is knocking at my door right now to escape. Yeah, I have been looking for another job, and who isn’t? Here is a chance to finally escape this situation. Similar industry, popular company, and most probably higher salary.

But I didn’t accept the offer.

See, something changed in the past six months at work. No, the salary still is unforgivable, the work itself makes me yawn than ever, and what worse is that due to the financial crisis, we won’t receive our annual salary increase this year. I ain’t stupid though. That’s not the reason why I refused the work offered to me at another company. It’s because for the past six months, I sort of became part of the clique with the (relatively) new employees in the company. Yeah, we became a gang. A barkada of some sort.

Yeah I’ll stick to this job. Even I though I hate it. I just happen to like the people around me here.

But that’s just for now. We’ll see.

Public Service Announcement

Napagdesisyunan kong mag-board malapit sa lugar ng aking trabaho. Kaya naman, malamang paminsan-minasan lang ako makakapag-online. Liban na lang kung mag-cocomputer shop ako sa labas.

Unang beses ko itong gagawin sa buong buhay ko. Ang malayo sa bahay namin. Kinakabahan ako at excited din. Sa totoo lang, I can’t exactly explain kung ano yung nararamdaman ko. Basta. Pag nafigure out ko, I’ll write an entry about it.

Wish me luck...

For That Stranger

The first time that I saw your face
My heart skipped a beat
Tried ignoring your sweet gentle smile
But all I achieved was defeat

I kept thinking of your laughing eyes
How it brightens you completely
Honestly, it made me smile
As if your warmth touched me suddenly

Yeah, it still is unfinished. I was just rhyming the other day and thinking about some guy… some stranger… with a really, really pretty face.

Oh, well. I can feel his magic over me fading already. Waiting for my next muse, I guess

Post-uno

I don’t have a New Year entry. I was busy. Got work that day. And, one of my co-workers got married that week, so with our company’s workforce lessened by one, someone has to take over my co-worker’s schedule. And because I seem to take up the role of the week’s sacrificial lamb, I didn’t get the chance to rest on my rest day. Fuckshit. Whatev. Nah,I ain’t really mad or anything. I just lack a lot of sleep lately.

And yeah, it was my birthday then. Happy Birthday me. Although I didn’t really feel happy althrough that day. Not even remotely close. Again, whatever. To most people, it’s New Year’s Day. A symbol of hope, new beginnings, changes, etcetera. But for me, it was Thursday. No different than the Thursday last week (Christmas day) and in all probability will be no different than the Thursday coming in this week. Besides, I never really celebrate my birthday. It has always been an emotional event for me, and being someone who avoids feeling emotions as much as possible, I end up feeling bothered and irritated throughout the day. Good thing I have terrific facial muscle control. I smiled a lot. I laughed at jokes thrown around. I tried singing a few tunes at work.

I guess I was just being so overly dramatic. No, it isn’t about turning twenty-five and getting a year older. In fact, I linger on that fact. I’m growing up. I’m supposed to be all wiser now and stuff. And in a way, I do feel that.

To someone who knows me a lot better, it would appear it’s because I am facing my greatest fear. Uncertainty. That I am trembling at the idea of being totally clueless at what’s to come. That this year would not go my way. But I’m way past that fear. I’ve learned to trust and have faith in every roll of the dice that I take.

So, what could it be? To someone who knows my secrets, the answer is easy. Too easy, in fact. It is about a something deep and personal, something telenovela-esque.

And it revolves around New Year’s day.