I don’t have a New Year entry. I was busy. Got work that day. And, one of my co-workers got married that week, so with our company’s workforce lessened by one, someone has to take over my co-worker’s schedule. And because I seem to take up the role of the week’s sacrificial lamb, I didn’t get the chance to rest on my rest day. Fuckshit. Whatev. Nah,I ain’t really mad or anything. I just lack a lot of sleep lately.
And yeah, it was my birthday then. Happy Birthday me. Although I didn’t really feel happy althrough that day. Not even remotely close. Again, whatever. To most people, it’s New Year’s Day. A symbol of hope, new beginnings, changes, etcetera. But for me, it was Thursday. No different than the Thursday last week (Christmas day) and in all probability will be no different than the Thursday coming in this week. Besides, I never really celebrate my birthday. It has always been an emotional event for me, and being someone who avoids feeling emotions as much as possible, I end up feeling bothered and irritated throughout the day. Good thing I have terrific facial muscle control. I smiled a lot. I laughed at jokes thrown around. I tried singing a few tunes at work.
I guess I was just being so overly dramatic. No, it isn’t about turning twenty-five and getting a year older. In fact, I linger on that fact. I’m growing up. I’m supposed to be all wiser now and stuff. And in a way, I do feel that.
To someone who knows me a lot better, it would appear it’s because I am facing my greatest fear. Uncertainty. That I am trembling at the idea of being totally clueless at what’s to come. That this year would not go my way. But I’m way past that fear. I’ve learned to trust and have faith in every roll of the dice that I take.
So, what could it be? To someone who knows my secrets, the answer is easy. Too easy, in fact. It is about a something deep and personal, something telenovela-esque.
And it revolves around New Year’s day.
And yeah, it was my birthday then. Happy Birthday me. Although I didn’t really feel happy althrough that day. Not even remotely close. Again, whatever. To most people, it’s New Year’s Day. A symbol of hope, new beginnings, changes, etcetera. But for me, it was Thursday. No different than the Thursday last week (Christmas day) and in all probability will be no different than the Thursday coming in this week. Besides, I never really celebrate my birthday. It has always been an emotional event for me, and being someone who avoids feeling emotions as much as possible, I end up feeling bothered and irritated throughout the day. Good thing I have terrific facial muscle control. I smiled a lot. I laughed at jokes thrown around. I tried singing a few tunes at work.
I guess I was just being so overly dramatic. No, it isn’t about turning twenty-five and getting a year older. In fact, I linger on that fact. I’m growing up. I’m supposed to be all wiser now and stuff. And in a way, I do feel that.
To someone who knows me a lot better, it would appear it’s because I am facing my greatest fear. Uncertainty. That I am trembling at the idea of being totally clueless at what’s to come. That this year would not go my way. But I’m way past that fear. I’ve learned to trust and have faith in every roll of the dice that I take.
So, what could it be? To someone who knows my secrets, the answer is easy. Too easy, in fact. It is about a something deep and personal, something telenovela-esque.
And it revolves around New Year’s day.
3 comments:
wisdom and stuff comes with experience. and as you age, you get more experience. yun.
happy birthday! :)
With each passing year, we learn. We speak of uncertainty, but later we figure things out ourselves.
Happy Birthday Dagger,
Happy New Year.
Ei, salamat po sa pagbati.
Kokoi: Yeah, and at 25, I feel I'm reacting to things around me like I'm 16. And I don't like it.
Mugen: Yeah, I'm still afraid of uncertainty, but I'm trying to be brave, and just, not think about it too much
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