Regeneration

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

-- “One Art” by Elizabeth Bishop

I love Claire Bennet. Sure, maybe Beth Cooper is more sultry and seductive than Claire, but Beth can’t regenerate like Claire does.

Seriously, I like Hayden. And I really like her Claire character from Heroes. Somehow, I can relate to her (no, I don’t relate to her that way; the last time I checked, I’m still not spontaneously regenerating).

It’s just that recently, I did get hurt. Not physically though. See, I have been so hard on myself because someone close to me was about to say goodbye, and I was in fact fearing that we would be out of each other’s lives for good. And to make matters worst, I did something stupid: something so disrespectful to my friend that caused him to be crazy mad at me. It seems that I couldn’t apologize enough. And maybe I never could.

After that I realized… well, thought that I was feeling a bit more affectionate than what I should for that friend. That I was in love. And maybe I was. And perhaps I still am.

And that’s what hurts the most. To know that I screwed things up. I would never mind carrying an unrequited feeling (whatever that is) for him, just as long as I know I would still be able to talk to him from time to time; to have the knowledge that I would still be able to hear from him some time in the future. To somehow feel that I made an impact in his life; and that perhaps, on some level, I mattered to him.

So I was down for the next few days. Or for about five minutes, I can’t really recall. But I found myself teary eyed during those times when I’m being reminded of what has transpired. That a tie has just been severed between me and a friend.

My best friend, Phoebe, told me that I should be used to this. And I know that. That future ties to be would be severed too; that I should be able to handle goodbyes easily by now. And that, it doesn’t matter, really. Like Ms. Bishop said, it wasn’t a disaster at all

And so now, I’d say I’ve regenerated. Emotionally. Maybe not Wolverine fast kind of healing; it was more of a Claire Bennet-esque regeneration. I got hurt, I felt pain, and I just got over it quickly.

To my friend, thank you for this life lesson I learned.

Last Stand

Umiyak na naman ako ngayon. Alam ko kasalanan ko naman talaga. Sana mapatawad mo din ako. Sana nga dumating ang araw na iyon. Pasensya na, wala akong kontrol sa sarili ko. Tandaan mo lang na lagi kong nanaisin na maging masaya ka sa buhay mo.

At... mahal nga pla kita. Oo, nito ko lang napagtanto at natanggap sa sarili ko na mahal kita. Kaya dobleng pagsisisi ang nadarama ko ngayon.

Salamat na rin at nakilala kita. Kasi ngayon, masasabi ko na talaga ng walang pag-aalinlangan... nagmahal na rin ako.

Patawad...

Bagyong Ondoy

Guess what? I just got out home here at Tondo. I rode the delivery truck into the dry lands just to be able to get home (flooded journey videos from inside the truck below). I stayed for two straight days at work, not getting any real sleep. The place where I work is flooded. I am sure roomie’s stranded there at our place, and I am feeling bad right now. Survivor’s guilt? I don’t know. The power’s been cut off there since Saturday, and there is no way to get food, as all stores around are closed (they’ve been flooded too). I did contemplate and seriously considered going home there, bringing some of the food from work to our place (our bosses at work feed us well, especially that some people aren’t getting any sleep while there, working), and maybe roomie and I would have something to eat (though we would both be stranded there). But to do that, I would have to swim murky waters to get there. And swim murky waters back to work once I am asked to report back.

Wag na lang. Roomie will survive. If the situation were reversed, I don’t think he’ll give as much thought about my situation as I did for him.





So sad. Everything’s flooded in that area. Sabi nga ni Friedrich Nietzsche “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”

***

Update (09/29/09 1104H): I was dead worried about rommie earlier this morning and considered going back to work just to fetch him. My bosses wouldn't mind him there I guess. But voila, a friend sent a message he's OK.

False Bravado

It was earlier this week when a stranger asked me, “was life hard for you when you were growing up?” Instantaneously, my lips stuttered. Without me knowing it, as if I lost control over myself, my eyes started to cry.

No, I’m not gonna tackle the drama of my reply to that question. Maybe you can ask me the same question, and maybe I’ll breakdown like I did. But that stranger’s timing in was so perfect, and I had been feeling vulnerable through the day. Pressure and tension had been building up. It was just so liberating for me that a stranger asked me that, while a simple “how was your day?” would produce the same effect. I guess that is what we need sometimes. When you appear too rough and too strong, even those who are closest to you wouldn’t even bother to doubt the false bravado they are seeing. But it was such a freeing moment, like breathing so free.

And to think that it was just because a stranger asked me a yes or no question.

***

Have you heard of Plants vs. Zombies? Nakakatawa siya at nakakatuwa. Pero di pa naman ako na-aadik though.

Perspectives

Sabi nila, one should always plan things ahead. I agree naman. Kung ikaw yung tao na naghahanap ng Life of Meaning, you’ll always worry about what’s to come (sabi sa Heroes yun. Kasi kung Life of Happiness daw ang goal mo, ala kang iintindihin kundi ang present lang.

Recently, all my plans crumbled into pieces, pakiramdam ko nga, na-disintegrate ang mga iyon entirely. Lam nyo yun, paramng tinamaan ang pasabog power ni Piper sa Charmed? Parang ganun. At recently, pakiramdam ko, na-stucked ako. Ang hirap kaya ng ganung feeling. At, para talaga mas challenging daw ang sitwasyon para sa akin, yung mga tao na inaasahan ko na “rock” ko, eh, sabihin na lang natin na nanghina at nawala.

For a moment there, pinanghinaan na talaga ako ng loob. I was being sucked into a supermassive black hole. Aaminin ko, talagang napaka-hopeless ng pakiramdam. Parang Irvine lang ni Kelly Clarkson. So ayun, nagdrama ako for a week. Or five minutes lang ata. Di ko na maalala.

The point is, perspectives lang ang lahat, parang theme ng ad congress this year. Minsan kasi nakakalimutan ko yun, kasi yung gravity lang ng situation ko ang nakikita ko. Pero kung tutuusin, nakalatag naman talaga ang Plan B, Plan C, Plan D… etc. Di lang talaga ako tumitingin. Di ko pinapansin. At wala akong ginagawa.

Na yun naman ang mali. Kasi, paano ka aasa ng pagbabago kung ala kang ginagawa na bago. Haay… Basta, may pag-asa pa.

Laban lang.