Today

Today’s lesson: when a cute guy at the arcade asks you how to do a move by Ryu at Street Fighter IV, and there is list of moves near the joystick, one must go ahead and show him how to do it, especially if you have been noticing he’s doing the opposite rotation of the joystick once his character is at the Player 2 side.

It was so stupid of me. I got bored of waiting for the cheque that my boss needs to be encashed and deposited at his account (he asked that of me as a favor), so I went to the nearest mall and tried to be less bored. I was just looking around when this cute guy asked me “Hey, can you do this move? I’m just learning how to play this,” while pointing at Ryu’s move list. It took me by surprise. I was startled. Then I said, “sorry, I don’t know how to do that move either.” Stupid, right? Especially when I know exactly that he had been rotating the joystick in the wrong direction. It could’ve been a good conversation starter! Whatever. Just, whatever.

***

I am just realizing that there would never be a scarcity of lonely hearts out there. Most people may spend their whole lives just searching for their other half, and may never find them. And those who have someone doubt the thing that they have with each other. But we should trust though, that once we find the person for us, let’s be thankful, and realize that we are in fact part of the minority who are happily loving and being loved.

Changes

I realized that like orgasm, enthusiasm is so hard to fake (and it also amazes me that they rhyme too!). I recently resigned from my job. Yeah, I still have to complete the insufferable 30 day turnover (more like twenty-something now), but who are we kidding? My interest in doing my work plunged so fast and so deep the moment I submitted my letter, it reached the earth's core at the speed of light.

It wasn't that bad really, compared to what I seem to imply. Sure, they've hired a dozen of no-good moronic, self-important jerks; they have an engineering department full of architects (no offense to all the architects out there, but let's face it --- aside from drawing plans and being knowledgeable in aesthetics, engineers should be the ones who are doing engineering works, and it's even the root word of that particular department!); and their accountants does not know how to read prices from bus tickets (I'd recommend training them for just that ---how to read bus ticket prices; or better yet, they should at least make sure to hire accountants who knows how to read prices from official receipts, such as bus tickets!).

But, as I've said, it wasn't that bad. Seriously. They've managed to hire a really able manager for the department I'm in (and it was just an added bonus that my boss, well soon-to-be-former boss is cute). And I managed to make at least one friend at work while working for approximately six months (I know, I don’t really warm up to people as fast as I’d want to). Plus, I attended this year’s mud-soaked, we-are-gonna-make-your-body-ache-all-over teambuilding activities. Yeah… right. Way to make employees bond and unite the company by grouping them accoding to their departments and not mixing them up… Hmmm… Did I mention that my boss is cute?

The interesting part was, I was ready to leave the field I am in for this job, I was ready to surrender the engineer part of me. Although I have convinced myself (with some difficulty) that what I actually learned from school would be put to use with the field/industry I am in at the moment, it doesn’t really capture the feel of being… well, an engineer.

And with that, I am now going to embark a new chapter in my professional life soon. I’m very excited at my new job, I don’t even want to come in at my current work anymore. Oh, well.

Blood

I have to get over this the queasiness that takes over me everytime the thought of blood coming right out form my body comes into my mind.

I hate it. It makes me feel so weak.

We talked about blood today at the office. Well, it was about donating blood really. And while the conversation is going on, my imagination ran wild. Leche! I started imagining myself donating blood, started imagining the needles, and the tubes, and started imagining MY BLOOD flowing right out of my body. The effect was so quick. I had difficulty breathing. I felt like vomiting. In fact, I feel like I’m going to be sick right now just be recalling what went to my head earlier.

The annoying thing is, not one person around me felt the same way. Sure, imagining their blood flowing out of their body is not their Kryptonite, but it just frustrates me to feel so queasy like that, and about that.

The thing is, I have no problem with blood. No, not really. I've seen a bloody scene before. Well, not a drop of my blood was involved, but still, it did not bother me. In fact, I feel confident enough to say that if I'd seen, say example my co-workers donating their blood, it wouldn't bother me at all. Just that, thinking about my blood flowing out of my veins makes me nauseous.

I remember it started about two years ago, during my annual physical exam at the company where I used worked. I was on blood pressure medication (still am, unfortunately). The medical technologist then tried to get my blood, but my blood pressure fluctuated so low, my blood refused to be go out my body ( I vividly remember feeling like what I'm feeling right now as I am typing this --- lightheaded and drowsy). So, after a few moments of rest, she managed to get my blood sample (using a syringe) with my other arm. I distinctly recall that it was the first time I felt dizzy because of the thought of my blood flowing out of my body.

I remember a particular Naruto episode (sorry, my anime geek side needed to talk about this). There was this one character, she's strong and all, but then the sight of blood made her nervous (she's got hemophobia). However, considering we are talking about the made up world of Naruto here, her fear of blood was immediately cured within the next few episodes through seeing Naruto struggle to be alive (it took about a few hours on their timeline).

I'm doomed, aren't I? You know what I did earlier, so that none of my co-workers would notice? I tried to breathe. I just focused on inhaling and exhaling, letting the air flow in and out of me. A few minutes after that and I was okay.

On Writing

I love art. Don't you love art? I don't think there exists a person who does not have an affinity for either music, paintings, or poems. Everyone's bound to love, or at the very least, like art.

I believe the best artwork are done from the heart. I believe that the most inspiring songs, the most breathtaking paintings, the deeply-touching stories must have been conceived by the creator's heart, not by his logic.

Writing used to be so easy for me. I didn't care then, who would've stumbled with the things I write, how it will affect how those people see me, I just didn't give a damn.

And I noticed that I just could not come up with anything. What I'd been writing was so bland, I could not post it on my blog. I just... well, am lost at words. I am uninspired.

There was a blogger who I used to read a lot (her blog was now restricted to her friends only, but still, she was so good). Someone commented on her that he was running out of things to blog. She simply answered to write about the minute, insignificant details of his day. Or maybe come up with an entry on what he had for breakfast.

And maybe, that's what should I do. Highlight a part of my daily routine. See, I think I'm slowly being sucked into this dreadful, repetitive but otherwise (and most unluckily) stressful cycle I've been having for months now, since I got a (relatively) new job. I know it sounds bad, but I was dealing then with some very heartbreaking experience (no, I don't think I want to write about it-- it's depressing!) then, and work appears to be the most plausible and easily reachable distraction that I have. But now that I'm (sorta') fine, my daily routine just killing me. No, I have been out with friends during these past months, its just that, I feel so, I don't know, “blah!” about all this (that's very articulate of me, ain't it?).

Why complain about it now? Why whine about being uninspired, being not able to write as much as I want to?

Well, I've read my entries from the very first blog I had. They were amazing. A lot cynical, but otherwise, really good. I'm rarely inspired then, but I have my cynicism, the sharp sarcasm in my words. I was (a bit) mean. (OK, maybe a lot. Maybe.)

I wanna bring that back. The mean-ness in my entry.

I think I have to start being rude to co-workers for that to work.

***

Like I said before, my email is here, it's actually written at the banner. I don't think you could find it unless you are blind though. ;-)

I'm Still Glad I'm Not Straight

I guess I’ll have to write (say) it again for absolutely no reason at all (or maybe to acknowledge a very well known fact for the nth time): straight people have it soooo easy. No matter how whiney they get or how society led everyone to believe that when it comes to building a future, it is fair game to everyone, still, we gay people are in the short end of things. I do have to say this however: their lives are way simple it appears to be boring (and most times, I think, unappealing) compared to the lifestyle gay people has (or have. I’m not really sure which is grammatically correct of the two). Sure there’s challenges in life, but facing our challenges as a gay person is a great feat, I’m surprised there aren’t any mass suicide happening involving gay men and lesbians.

No wonder I refer to us (gay people) as mutants (X-men, Heroes-type, not those creatures with extra appendages) whenever I am talking with my straight friends. I always thought we must have some kind of super power or must have really evolved into something superior, that we are able to face the extra “gay” struggles straight people would never ever have.

***

Have you Googled yourself already? I have. And being new at work, I’ve Googled my colleagues at work too. Some are interesting, others, I found them dull, while there are people who are like ghosts at the web.

And, I find my boss cute. But he’s straight. And married. And has a (bit) dull personality. Am I crushing on my boss? Since I needed to ask that question to myself to be sure, I’m saying no. The thing is that he's just two years older than me, not much of an age, or generation difference. I just think he’s cute. But it’s kinda difficult staring at him when he’s giving me instructions, and I’m being distracted by his eyes. Yes, he’s got happy eyes. The kind of eyes that would still smile even though he’s frowning. Damn, I might be crushing on him. Oh well, it’ll fade.

***

My days so far are passing by me like a blur. Sometimes I don’t even remember what day it was. I hate it. Slowly, my life is being drained out of me, and I fear the time that I might wither due to the dull, surreal routine I’m currently adjusting myself into.

Although, inside me is a resistance. A very strong force that that I am very sure will never ever compromise loss of self identity.

I just need a bit more time to adjust with my new environment.

***

Do you know that somewhere on this page, I’m encouraging eveyone to e-mail me? Hint: If you’re not blind, you might figure out how I’m telling you to e-mail me.