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It’s Saturday night. The wind blows violently outside. Weather’s been bipolar for the past few days, and I had been sick for the past 48 hours.
It’s Saturday night. I’m supposed to be at work right now. No, I wouldn’t want to be there too, but between getting sick and being at fever-free at work, I think I’ll choose the lesser evil. Okay, now I can’t really see the difference between them.
It’s Saturday night. My mind is racing with thoughts again. I can’t help it. I feel like I am simultaneously listening to about twenty radio stations and all the words from the djocks mouths are being crammed into my brain. And now, I officially have a headache.
It’s Saturday night. A cockroach is flying across the room. Should I chase it and kill it? Darn. I’m too weak for that. Flying roaches! Gross.
It’s Saturday night. Lambert’s singing Ring of Fire on my mp3. how appropriate. But it wasn’t any wild desire that’s making my temperature rise tonight.
It’s Saturday night. Suddenly I’m in tears. Sent a text message to my best friend. No reply, she must be asleep now. Gotta reach out to someone. Gotta reach. ****, still awake? Message sent.
It’s Saturday night. The minutes pass by very slowly. Just had an exchange of text messages with a friend. Suddenly, I feel so vulnerable. And weak. And possibly dehydrated.
It’s Saturday night. My thoughts are with you now. I shouldn’t be thinking of this, I know. But I can’t help it. I do want to be with you. But we can’t. We just can’t.
It’s Saturday night. I’ll be sleeping soon. I’ll be…
My fingertips
Touching you
I can feel us closer
Secrets shared
What we’ve been through
I can feel us closer
My hope, my fears
Nightmare and dreams
I can feel us closer
Had a heated fight
We made up alright
And then I feel us closer
But when I spoke
Of this thing I feel
I can’t… no longer…
You seem distant
It does appear
Now a mere stranger
I guess I should
Do the same thing
Do it even graver
But know this
That inside me
I want us closer
But maybe we’d never really been
My head’s spinning with thoughts right now. And I am powerless to have my thoughts organized. As Corrine Bailey Rae sang, I’d let my hair down for the past weeks. Entries to follow.
Just need to breathe for now.
Dear You,
It would have been easier if you had just let my mood swing pass. Ignore it. Haven’t I told you? I’m twenty-five going on fifteen. It has always been this way, and I don’t think I will change anytime soon. Why do you think I left home anyway? Don’t worry, I will grow up eventually. Just not now, and definitely not this instant.
I am very well aware that we don’t really click that much. And yeah, maybe you were trying--- no, pretending to be nice, just so we could be in sync for a while.
But of course, eventually, all pretenses have to be scrapped away.
No my friends do not bow down to me. I am not, have not been, and I do not think I will ever be a queen bee of any clique that I am and will be a part of. My friends just happen to know better, to let the mood swing pass, to let the storm subside.
Then again, you said it yourself; I am just but a stranger to you. In spite of all the secrets that you have told me (which I admittedly indiscreetly handled and shared to people who I don’t think would ever cross paths with you) and the personal demons I shared, I am just a faceless, nameless dude to you. And looking back, maybe I could just say the same thing to you.
I am not afraid of being alone. I’m actually cold-hearted, selfish, and deep-down I really do not care about anyone but myself, and the people I care about--- family and yes, friends. You have no idea what I’ve been through with my closest of friends, so you have no right to judge me like that. Is staying with you for a few months, talking with you for a few hours a week enough to know me that well? Nope, I don’t think so.
Do you know why those friends of mine still have me around despite my mood swings that often sends their day between the edge of boring and utterly ruined? It’s because I am worth all that drama they have to stand up to.
To be honest, my mood swing was bout to subside already. But you just had to react, and I had to counter-react, till we had a cycle going on. It was about this time that my mood swing transcended into full fury already. I was so mad. And you just had to take a personal blow that was just uncalled for.
No, a stranger like you would have zero weight when it comes to any words you say. But I won’t let that personal blow fly by. So I retaliated, with what I had been thinking about the screwed up relationship you have been struggling to hold on to.
You know what? I am glad we had this fight--- I am not really sure if this one will be fixed. The sharpest of words have been exchanged, and no, I will not “bow down” to you as well. I forewarned you about my mood swing, I guess I should’ve suggested for you to ignore it. But I am sure of one thing though, if ever we will part ways now because of this, I will miss what could’ve been. You know me, I’m sentimental. And yet, not really, no. Especially that all this time, we actually are strangers to each other.
Dagger
What do you say to a friend who just ended his “four plus”-year relationship with his girlfriend?
I was actually a bit surprised to hear that my friend broke up with his girlfriend. A bit, because frankly, I am expecting them to break up, just not that soon though. Although he had been talking about getting married already and stuff, I’ve seen him complain on how his relationship was going.
Naturally, I struggled for a thing to say. I can’t imagine how bad he must feel. I’ve never had a relationship that lasted that long, so I wouldn’t really know. And I told him that. I asked him, and was, is, actually hoping that they could still find a fix, but he’s mind’s made up. By the way, I heard the news and the details from my friend a few days he ended his relationship.
And so I sent a text message with that message in the opening sentence of this entry to friends and “textmates” (I have an issue with this particular word; something’s just not right with it) hoping that from the replies, I would be able to form an advice or at the very least a not-so-insane, I-can’t-really-react-because-I’ve-never-experienced-that-kind-of-thing-before reaction to what my friend had been through.
Reply number 1: Just let him express his feelings. Makinig ka lang. That will be enough. La ka rin naman magagawa eh.
Reply number 2: Si **** ba yan? Haha. Maraming memories ang 4 plus years. Ten to twenty percent na yun ng buhay at growth mo. Kung siya ang nakipagbreak, hmm… tingin ba niya yun ang makakabuti?
Reply number 3: Move on and move forward. Mahirap pero yun ang dapat.
Reply number 4: Well... Pag-usapan nila yan!
Reply number 5: Nakakapanghinayang yung time.
Reply number 6: Sayang naman. Bakit? Well, kung di na maayos, wag nang balikan ang nangyari na.
Reply number 7: Dagger, hindi ko din alam, pero I would either let him forget about what happened and take him elsewhere or just listen attentively and do the “I know how you feel” stuff
Reply number 8: be thankful it was just four plus years not five or six or a lifetime in case their married. Mahal magpa-annul. Be thankful it happened now, not later. Four plus years na nga, wag ng dagdagan by being bitter. Charge it to experience. He’ll get over it and he’ll be thankful that it did end. Walang namamatay dahil heartbroken.
In the end, Reply Number 8 won. It stood out, and the last I heard, that’s what my friend is doing right now. He’ll be fine, don’t worry.
But I still wonder, what would you guys say to my friend?
It’s Saturday night. The wind blows violently outside. Weather’s been bipolar for the past few days, and I had been sick for the past 48 hours.
It’s Saturday night. The minutes pass by very slowly. Just had an exchange of text messages with a friend. Suddenly, I feel so vulnerable. And weak. And possibly dehydrated.
