False Bravado

It was earlier this week when a stranger asked me, “was life hard for you when you were growing up?” Instantaneously, my lips stuttered. Without me knowing it, as if I lost control over myself, my eyes started to cry.

No, I’m not gonna tackle the drama of my reply to that question. Maybe you can ask me the same question, and maybe I’ll breakdown like I did. But that stranger’s timing in was so perfect, and I had been feeling vulnerable through the day. Pressure and tension had been building up. It was just so liberating for me that a stranger asked me that, while a simple “how was your day?” would produce the same effect. I guess that is what we need sometimes. When you appear too rough and too strong, even those who are closest to you wouldn’t even bother to doubt the false bravado they are seeing. But it was such a freeing moment, like breathing so free.

And to think that it was just because a stranger asked me a yes or no question.

***

Have you heard of Plants vs. Zombies? Nakakatawa siya at nakakatuwa. Pero di pa naman ako na-aadik though.

Perspectives

Sabi nila, one should always plan things ahead. I agree naman. Kung ikaw yung tao na naghahanap ng Life of Meaning, you’ll always worry about what’s to come (sabi sa Heroes yun. Kasi kung Life of Happiness daw ang goal mo, ala kang iintindihin kundi ang present lang.

Recently, all my plans crumbled into pieces, pakiramdam ko nga, na-disintegrate ang mga iyon entirely. Lam nyo yun, paramng tinamaan ang pasabog power ni Piper sa Charmed? Parang ganun. At recently, pakiramdam ko, na-stucked ako. Ang hirap kaya ng ganung feeling. At, para talaga mas challenging daw ang sitwasyon para sa akin, yung mga tao na inaasahan ko na “rock” ko, eh, sabihin na lang natin na nanghina at nawala.

For a moment there, pinanghinaan na talaga ako ng loob. I was being sucked into a supermassive black hole. Aaminin ko, talagang napaka-hopeless ng pakiramdam. Parang Irvine lang ni Kelly Clarkson. So ayun, nagdrama ako for a week. Or five minutes lang ata. Di ko na maalala.

The point is, perspectives lang ang lahat, parang theme ng ad congress this year. Minsan kasi nakakalimutan ko yun, kasi yung gravity lang ng situation ko ang nakikita ko. Pero kung tutuusin, nakalatag naman talaga ang Plan B, Plan C, Plan D… etc. Di lang talaga ako tumitingin. Di ko pinapansin. At wala akong ginagawa.

Na yun naman ang mali. Kasi, paano ka aasa ng pagbabago kung ala kang ginagawa na bago. Haay… Basta, may pag-asa pa.

Laban lang.

KUMOT

Been having problems writing entries. Tsaka medyo busy eh. Eto, nahalukay ko ang dati kong poem para i-share sa inyo.

Sa init ng kumot ay namamalagi
Habang naghihintay sa yakap mong mithi
Kumot aking hawak pagtulog sa gabi
Kumot ang kasama sa bawat paghikbi

Kumot sa katawan laging nakabalot
At pinapangarap, mahigpit mong yapos
Habang iniisip sabay sa pagtulog
Darating ka ba’t aalisin ang kumot?

Ikaw ba’y kasama sa mga pangarap?
Ating liliparin, mga alapaap?
Ikaw ba’y karamay sa lahat ng hirap?
O hayaang kumot lang ang tangan ko’t yakap?

Tanging hangad lamang ikaw ay makita
Mabatid na nar’yan ka’t laging kasama
Ngunit panaginip, heto’t patapos na
Namulat ako paggising sa umaga
At tanging kumot lang ang aking nakita...

Hindi ka pala dumating.

Self-motivation

“Success is balanced by faults; those who succeed are those people who overcompensate.”
--- Topher, Episode 1, Dollhouse, season 1

“I try to be my best.”

“And are you?”

“What?”

“Are you your best?”

“I’m not sure how to know that”

“I think that if you always try, that’s best”

--- Sierra and Echo, Episode4, Dollhouse, season 1

I used to be the classmate anyone would hate to have. I don’t remember ever cheating back in high school or allowing any classmate to take a peek at my answer sheet during exams. Yeah, I was that bad. I was a grade conscious student then; but then again, so is half the class I was in (I belonged in the cream section). None of my classmates were mean to me though. They just accepted the fact that that’s just the way I am.

I was flattered a lot when my classmates talked about me during my sophomore year in college. No, they didn’t realize I was around; we were at the canteen then, it was lunchtime and the place was so cramped. They were doing the whole Mean Girls thing and were “assessing” classmates (I checked. There was no burn book around). They were talking about how I was busying myself reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets while everyone seems to be too busy reviewing things, cramping notes inside their heads and yet I was acing the tests. They didn’t know though that the secret was reading notes and textbooks three to four chapters in advance at home while watching Charmed (and juggling that with finishing home works of course).

But the next year, I got tired of it. I just felt lost. A friend back in high school said I was experiencing burnout. And maybe I was. (I was frightened though when she said what I was experiencing is irreversible, and my gusto towards what I was doing will never be that strong again. Maybe she was right. But while my gusto was deteriorating, I managed to obtain a government scholarship, compete up to the nationals of our college quiz show, and obtain a spot in the top 20 passers of our professional licensure exam.)

But in the end, my friend was so damn right. My flame was extinguished. I am unhappy. And I am continuing this path of unfulfilled life I am in. I forgot how to overcompensate. I was happy then. Overcompensating. Doing more. But I lost my way.

And now, that Dollhouse quotes I used in the beginning of this entry reminded me of it once more. To do more. To overcompensate. To always try.

I know, my whining and ranting in this entry would not help me. It would not change a thing. And now I will put thoughts into action. I will read notes five chapters ahead while watching TV, figuratively of course.

With this brand new outlook, I’m hoping I would be able to see through this personal task that I had in mind for myself. I have to. And I will.

Little Ashes/ PokerFace

I just finished watching Little Ashes. Yes, initially, I was excited seeing this because it starts Rob Pattinson, you know, the guy playing Edward Cullen from Twilight. But seriously, that’s not the only reason I looked for a copy of this film. It’s a gay themed indie. Plus, it’s loosely (I think) based on what was a romantic relationship between poet Frederico Lorca and painter Salvador Dali, waaay back during the 1920s.

It was a sad movie. A really tragic ending, I’d say. Their relationship ended because they changed. Plus, c’mon, gay relationships during 1920s? There’s no freaking way they’d get their happy ending. But yeah, what’s really heart-breaking about it is that they’ve become… powerless I guess? Powerless against the personal situations they are in. And then after that, they changed. And, they aren’t sexually compatible. If you’d seen the film, you’d know.

What I liked about it is how it showed the development of their romance. It was subtle. It was believable. It was beautiful. I particularly liked the scene where they were swimming on the sea under the light of the full moon. And then they kissed. I was like, who wouldn’t? The mood was so right. Plus there had been sexual tension present between them already.

Wouldn’t it be nice to see just one gay themed (indie perhaps?) film with a happily ever after ending? Oh well, I haven’t seen a lot of same sex happily ever afters, what was I expecting? Maybe in life it would just be enough to enjoy the moment, knowing what’s between the two of you might end eventually. I always believe that it is more challenging to keep up a gay relationship, and I’d say it really is. Other than dealing with the issues you have as a couple, you still have to deal with how the world making it difficult for you to make it.

Anyway, I liked what R-Patz said about Little Ashes in comparison to tweeny film Twilight: (He said this at about 8:40 on the vid.)

"I guess it's devastating. It's when two people essentially fall in love with each other arguably, but no one really knows what the extent of their actual relationship was. It ruins everything in both of their lives. Not so much in Lorca's but it really does destroy a lot of things in Dali. But mainly because he's such an intensely sensitive man. He had so many neuroses about everything. His sanity and his sensibility was such a knife edge his whole life. In Twilight it's kind of the same thing, but they kind of figure it out whereas In Little Ashes they can't figure it out."




Oh, and uh… I now officially now have a crush on Javier Beltran, who plays Lorca on the film.

***

Who likes Lady Gaga? Not my type of songs really, but really, really catchy. Okay, I do like some of her songs. PokerFace, even. But hearing Chris Daughtry sing PokerFace a la Nickelback… whoa! Hear for your self:



Okay, you can download it here. Enjoy..

***

I’m going to pose an age old question to everyone: what’s the definite sign that your liking towards a person’s developed already into love? I always took as doing things selflessly a little bit too much is a definite sign I am falling. I have been feeling really fond of someone, but I have to keep what I feel in check. So whenever I feel my feelings going overboard, I revert into being selfish. Just to not be involved too much.