On Writing

I love art. Don't you love art? I don't think there exists a person who does not have an affinity for either music, paintings, or poems. Everyone's bound to love, or at the very least, like art.

I believe the best artwork are done from the heart. I believe that the most inspiring songs, the most breathtaking paintings, the deeply-touching stories must have been conceived by the creator's heart, not by his logic.

Writing used to be so easy for me. I didn't care then, who would've stumbled with the things I write, how it will affect how those people see me, I just didn't give a damn.

And I noticed that I just could not come up with anything. What I'd been writing was so bland, I could not post it on my blog. I just... well, am lost at words. I am uninspired.

There was a blogger who I used to read a lot (her blog was now restricted to her friends only, but still, she was so good). Someone commented on her that he was running out of things to blog. She simply answered to write about the minute, insignificant details of his day. Or maybe come up with an entry on what he had for breakfast.

And maybe, that's what should I do. Highlight a part of my daily routine. See, I think I'm slowly being sucked into this dreadful, repetitive but otherwise (and most unluckily) stressful cycle I've been having for months now, since I got a (relatively) new job. I know it sounds bad, but I was dealing then with some very heartbreaking experience (no, I don't think I want to write about it-- it's depressing!) then, and work appears to be the most plausible and easily reachable distraction that I have. But now that I'm (sorta') fine, my daily routine just killing me. No, I have been out with friends during these past months, its just that, I feel so, I don't know, “blah!” about all this (that's very articulate of me, ain't it?).

Why complain about it now? Why whine about being uninspired, being not able to write as much as I want to?

Well, I've read my entries from the very first blog I had. They were amazing. A lot cynical, but otherwise, really good. I'm rarely inspired then, but I have my cynicism, the sharp sarcasm in my words. I was (a bit) mean. (OK, maybe a lot. Maybe.)

I wanna bring that back. The mean-ness in my entry.

I think I have to start being rude to co-workers for that to work.

***

Like I said before, my email is here, it's actually written at the banner. I don't think you could find it unless you are blind though. ;-)

I'm Still Glad I'm Not Straight

I guess I’ll have to write (say) it again for absolutely no reason at all (or maybe to acknowledge a very well known fact for the nth time): straight people have it soooo easy. No matter how whiney they get or how society led everyone to believe that when it comes to building a future, it is fair game to everyone, still, we gay people are in the short end of things. I do have to say this however: their lives are way simple it appears to be boring (and most times, I think, unappealing) compared to the lifestyle gay people has (or have. I’m not really sure which is grammatically correct of the two). Sure there’s challenges in life, but facing our challenges as a gay person is a great feat, I’m surprised there aren’t any mass suicide happening involving gay men and lesbians.

No wonder I refer to us (gay people) as mutants (X-men, Heroes-type, not those creatures with extra appendages) whenever I am talking with my straight friends. I always thought we must have some kind of super power or must have really evolved into something superior, that we are able to face the extra “gay” struggles straight people would never ever have.

***

Have you Googled yourself already? I have. And being new at work, I’ve Googled my colleagues at work too. Some are interesting, others, I found them dull, while there are people who are like ghosts at the web.

And, I find my boss cute. But he’s straight. And married. And has a (bit) dull personality. Am I crushing on my boss? Since I needed to ask that question to myself to be sure, I’m saying no. The thing is that he's just two years older than me, not much of an age, or generation difference. I just think he’s cute. But it’s kinda difficult staring at him when he’s giving me instructions, and I’m being distracted by his eyes. Yes, he’s got happy eyes. The kind of eyes that would still smile even though he’s frowning. Damn, I might be crushing on him. Oh well, it’ll fade.

***

My days so far are passing by me like a blur. Sometimes I don’t even remember what day it was. I hate it. Slowly, my life is being drained out of me, and I fear the time that I might wither due to the dull, surreal routine I’m currently adjusting myself into.

Although, inside me is a resistance. A very strong force that that I am very sure will never ever compromise loss of self identity.

I just need a bit more time to adjust with my new environment.

***

Do you know that somewhere on this page, I’m encouraging eveyone to e-mail me? Hint: If you’re not blind, you might figure out how I’m telling you to e-mail me.

Lent

Lent has always been a very weird season for me. Yeah, we all know hypocrisy is on its peak during lent, with people saying they are reflecting about the way things are with their lives while partying at Boracay. But enough about my cynicism about this lent.

I’m tired.

Well, I’m physically tired. But that can be remedied so easily. Just by staying in bed, asleep for a few more hours, physical exhaustion would e quenched.

But I’m tired emotionally. I’m not really sure how that happens, but I do feel that it is the most appropriate description I could give. My life’s so ordinary now, so bland. Except for a few exceptional friends, I haven’t met any circles of them for the past months.

See, the thing with me is that I don’t really show gloom around people. I think its enough that one of my best friends back in college is a whiner, and she could most probably whine about life for the both of us. The only time I whine is when I’m with my bff, Phoebe, but seeing that she left the country already, I am facing a lot of pent up issues right now (well, there was someone other than Phoebe, but we don’t talk a lot these days anymore).

My problem exactly, is that I don’t really open up to people easily. Sure, I am a model office mate (I think). I get the job done, I am dedicated, but when it comes to warming up to people, when it comes to having a barkada, I suck.

Well, maybe I shouldn’t do that anymore if it’s bothering me this much. Baby steps maybe, I think I’ll start by hanging out with people during lunch break.

Whew, why does it have to be so difficult for the socially inept?

***

I have no idea why the air seems so heavy during lent. No it isn’t because it’s summer, it’s the season. I can’t remember not feeling this way during lent. Weird.

Randomness

Things have been so busy this week. My daily routine is starting to bore me. Don’t get me wrong, I love the challenges my work is presenting, but still, there’s just a mountain of work to do.

***

Someone I know celebrated his birthday yesterday. I’m not really sure if he’s still reading my site, but there’s just things I want to tell him that, I don’t know… I can’t. I just hope my presence in his life did not ruin the already troubled (remember your break-up, in case you are around?) 26th year of his life. Still, I know, I’m such a screw up. My birthday wish? Sounds generic, but I do wish you are happy. Truly happy, and not just in a I’m-happy-at-the-moment-but-when-I-really-think-about-it-I’m-not situation. Would’ve bought you a cap, you know, but I know I’d still feel weird being round you.

***

Crap! I can’t believe that I haven’t blogged for like an eon, and yet, I still couldn’t come up with a decent entry. It’s my daily schedule I tell you. All I do right now is work and sleep at home. Well, there might be some TV and DVD watching from time to time, but really, my life’s so boring right now. Hopefully inspiration will strike next week (if I’d be able to blog) and a decent entry will be posted.

 ***

I have seen Quentin’s Basterds though. I’m weirded out a bit. I mean, I enjoyed Kill Bill, but the Basterds plot on reversing history disturbs me a bit. I guess I’m just a bit of sucker for anything accurate, that the re-imaginatrion of what really happened disturbed me.

***

Oh, and I got my haircut earlier this week. I had it short. Really short. Any shorter my and I might as well join the army. Yeah, right. Me in the army. I can’t really imagine giving up my individuality for duty, so hands down to the soldiers.

***

Have you heard the acoustic version of Gaga’s Bad Romance? I think it’s by a local singer named Pricess. I hate it. I’m just so repulsed by that particular version of the song. I mean, the song was butchered. Its essence got lost. You can’t even feel the emotion that should’ve been in the song. Instead, it was sung in a very cheesy, I’m-so- happy-I-don’t-give-a-damn-that-this-song-is-about-a-person’s-frustration-of-not-being-loved-back kinda way. It just sucks. Sure, if the song is about being free of a toxic relationship, I think it could’ve been sung that way. Gaga’s version is uptempo, but you can feel in her voice the message she’s trying to deliver.

Going Political

People who know me well enough could attest that I don’t really care much about politics. I guess I take it from my scientific idol, who was offered to be the president of a country but refused.

But sometimes, there are just certain issues that get me. I react. Even though I’m just hearing the news on TV, I just blurt out my opinion. I can’t help it.

So now, I’m blurting my opinion on my blog.

See, there’s just been craziness form the Catholic Church now that the Department of Health is working overtime to encourage people to use contraceptives (specifically condoms) during sex. Newsflash priests: people are dying because of AIDS, and unless you can feed and take care of about half the population, then I’ll be joining your cause.

It is just plain stupid. And yeah, I don’t think they could stop the “kids” from being exposed to “sexual” influences anymore, but I can’t see how they are going to spank the parents of those kids for being negligent. And why discourage couples to control birth? Because it’s wrong? Because it’s immoral? I think what’s more evil is bringing a child in this world and not being able to give the best care for that child.

I know the rise of AIDS victims could be tied to gay people. But that’s just more reason to inform the public about this. Sure, the Church is morally obligated to be disgusted with the gay life style but I don’t think they are morally obligated to let people die out of being misinformed.

I’m just being realistic. Population’s booming. AIDS is on the rise. Just because the priest’s can (apparently) control their libido, it does not mean that the rest of us can. They practically all want us to be saints, but that’s not the case. They are being idealistic. And sometimes, being idealistic is just being worse than evil.

So what am I saying? Back off priests. Leave the governing to the government.

***

Is there a presidential candidate who aside from campaigning is integrating voter’s education about the new automated system? Sure, I saw how the Sex Bomb Dancers busted their ass to educate the public, but I really think that as presidentiables, they should be responsible enough to make sure that people are informed about this new election system, even though the voter’s might not vote for them.

And, just mentioning: I’m Catholic, but it irritates me when the Church interferes with what would have been progress because of close-mindedness.