An Open Letter

Dear You,

It would have been easier if you had just let my mood swing pass. Ignore it. Haven’t I told you? I’m twenty-five going on fifteen. It has always been this way, and I don’t think I will change anytime soon. Why do you think I left home anyway? Don’t worry, I will grow up eventually. Just not now, and definitely not this instant.

I am very well aware that we don’t really click that much. And yeah, maybe you were trying--- no, pretending to be nice, just so we could be in sync for a while.

But of course, eventually, all pretenses have to be scrapped away.

No my friends do not bow down to me. I am not, have not been, and I do not think I will ever be a queen bee of any clique that I am and will be a part of. My friends just happen to know better, to let the mood swing pass, to let the storm subside.

Then again, you said it yourself; I am just but a stranger to you. In spite of all the secrets that you have told me (which I admittedly indiscreetly handled and shared to people who I don’t think would ever cross paths with you) and the personal demons I shared, I am just a faceless, nameless dude to you. And looking back, maybe I could just say the same thing to you.

I am not afraid of being alone. I’m actually cold-hearted, selfish, and deep-down I really do not care about anyone but myself, and the people I care about--- family and yes, friends. You have no idea what I’ve been through with my closest of friends, so you have no right to judge me like that. Is staying with you for a few months, talking with you for a few hours a week enough to know me that well? Nope, I don’t think so.

Do you know why those friends of mine still have me around despite my mood swings that often sends their day between the edge of boring and utterly ruined? It’s because I am worth all that drama they have to stand up to.

To be honest, my mood swing was bout to subside already. But you just had to react, and I had to counter-react, till we had a cycle going on. It was about this time that my mood swing transcended into full fury already. I was so mad. And you just had to take a personal blow that was just uncalled for.

No, a stranger like you would have zero weight when it comes to any words you say. But I won’t let that personal blow fly by. So I retaliated, with what I had been thinking about the screwed up relationship you have been struggling to hold on to.

You know what? I am glad we had this fight--- I am not really sure if this one will be fixed. The sharpest of words have been exchanged, and no, I will not “bow down” to you as well. I forewarned you about my mood swing, I guess I should’ve suggested for you to ignore it. But I am sure of one thing though, if ever we will part ways now because of this, I will miss what could’ve been. You know me, I’m sentimental. And yet, not really, no. Especially that all this time, we actually are strangers to each other.

Dagger

Four Plus

What do you say to a friend who just ended his “four plus”-year relationship with his girlfriend?

I was actually a bit surprised to hear that my friend broke up with his girlfriend. A bit, because frankly, I am expecting them to break up, just not that soon though. Although he had been talking about getting married already and stuff, I’ve seen him complain on how his relationship was going.

Naturally, I struggled for a thing to say. I can’t imagine how bad he must feel. I’ve never had a relationship that lasted that long, so I wouldn’t really know. And I told him that. I asked him, and was, is, actually hoping that they could still find a fix, but he’s mind’s made up. By the way, I heard the news and the details from my friend a few days he ended his relationship.

And so I sent a text message with that message in the opening sentence of this entry to friends and “textmates” (I have an issue with this particular word; something’s just not right with it) hoping that from the replies, I would be able to form an advice or at the very least a not-so-insane, I-can’t-really-react-because-I’ve-never-experienced-that-kind-of-thing-before reaction to what my friend had been through.

Reply number 1: Just let him express his feelings. Makinig ka lang. That will be enough. La ka rin naman magagawa eh.

Reply number 2: Si **** ba yan? Haha. Maraming memories ang 4 plus years. Ten to twenty percent na yun ng buhay at growth mo. Kung siya ang nakipagbreak, hmm… tingin ba niya yun ang makakabuti?

Reply number 3: Move on and move forward. Mahirap pero yun ang dapat.

Reply number 4: Well... Pag-usapan nila yan!

Reply number 5: Nakakapanghinayang yung time.

Reply number 6: Sayang naman. Bakit? Well, kung di na maayos, wag nang balikan ang nangyari na.

Reply number 7: Dagger, hindi ko din alam, pero I would either let him forget about what happened and take him elsewhere or just listen attentively and do the “I know how you feel” stuff

Reply number 8: be thankful it was just four plus years not five or six or a lifetime in case their married. Mahal magpa-annul. Be thankful it happened now, not later. Four plus years na nga, wag ng dagdagan by being bitter. Charge it to experience. He’ll get over it and he’ll be thankful that it did end. Walang namamatay dahil heartbroken.

In the end, Reply Number 8 won. It stood out, and the last I heard, that’s what my friend is doing right now. He’ll be fine, don’t worry.

But I still wonder, what would you guys say to my friend?

Langoy-langoy

I am planning to take swimming lessons. No, I do know how to swim. Well, sort of.

There’s actually a story that my mother likes to tell every family gathering (or any social gathering for that matter) that’s held anywhere near a pool or around the beach (actually, I don’t think I’ve been with my mother at a beach, she’s just not the let’s-go-on-a-vacation-and-check-out-the-beach type). She said that I’d drown when I was a kid, or at least I faked drowning. I’m not really sure what happened I was too young to remember. She said that I just jumped into the water and floated, not moving a single muscle. That’s why they thought I was drowning. Big bro immediately jumped into the pool and rescued me (not that I really needed it). I asked her how I reacted after I was “saved”. She said I just looked puzzled, as if asking them what’s wrong.

And because of that, my mom had a water-phobia for me. Yeah, I didn’t join a lot of beach or pool outing. And when she finally did allow me to, I really didn’t feel like drowning; I half-wished I had the courage I had when I was a kid. Either that or being uninformed about drowning, I’m not really sure what gave me the bravado of jumping into the water like that.

It was only a couple of years ago that I managed to swim somehow. Big bro number 2 gave a lot of tips actually. But it wasn’t enough. I can’t swim with my head above the water; I just stroked sideways and apparently managed to move in the water. Oftentimes, my head hits the wall of the pool. That’s how I learned my so-so swimming.

I just hope I would get on and through with this. I’ve already talked to co-workers about it, so most probably they wouldn’t touch my schedule for a couple of weeks. I won’t be able to sleep right during those times and yeah, it would be quite a challenge.

But I need a victory right now. My mod needs it. It already shifted from gloomy to apathetic, and hopefully after learning to swim properly, my impassiveness would turn into being jovial.

I just hope I won’t get bored with it and drop the whole thing midway.

****

Oh yeah, saw idol’s disco night. Yeah, I love Adam Lambert’s toned down “If I Can’t Have You” rendition. I like the live version better than the studio recording.

Adam Lambert- If I Can_t Have You (live).mp3 - Adam Lambert

The Race

So little time, try to understand that I’m---
I’m trying to make a move just to stay in the game,
I’m trying to stay awake and remember my name,
But everybody’s changing and I don’t feel the same.
- “Everybody’s Changing” by Keane

***

Wednesday night. I was watching Idol when my phone beeped revealing a text message from my best friend. She told me she just got engaged. I was a bit surprised to hear that news actually.

Met her the next day for lunch along with another friend of ours where we talked about her wedding plans. She’s planning to get married next year. Throughout the conversation I was suggesting a number of wedding songs for her wedding. It’s so funny.

***

Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
- “Put Your Records On” by Corrine Bailey Rae

***

I was on my way home then when I the conversation caught up on me. She’s getting married already! And she and her boyfriend have only been together for about a year when she made that decision. She said it felt right saying yes to the guy. And I bet it did.

Anyway, suddenly out of nowhere I felt nostalgic about it. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for my friend, but all of a sudden I felt like I was being left out, like being stranded on a race and all of my friends are getting married one by one. I was being sucked into that black hole chain of thoughts when I decided to re-evaluate the way I see this.

Finding someone to be with for the rest of your life is difficult. And maybe, I’m just not focusing a lot of energy in being involved in a romantic relationship right now, and I know, I shouldn’t. When the time is right, it will be worth it. Besides, as my friend told me, we always end up with the partner that we deserve.

***

A bit of an amusing anecdote when we were talking on how her boyfriend proposed: She said her boyfriend was planning to ask her but was not prepared. So when she said yes, and after the excitement (not sure of this particular word that I used) settled down, he said he will buy her an engagement ring. I was not surprised at all that my didn’t want an engagement ring.

I told her, “if it will make him happy to buy you that engagement ring let him”.

But she said ,”What for? What will I do with it after the wedding?”

“You’re supposed to wear it with your wedding ring,” I replied.

“I don’t want to have two rings on my finger after we get married. I only need one.”

Question/ Being Sick

If you’ve been feeling strongly affectionate towards someone (but you cannot tell that someone how you feel because you’re not sure yourself what exactly it is you feel) and after speaking to a few trusted friends about your situation for n-number of times (that your friends think you should just record what you have to say and play it to them), what you feel about that person suddenly went “poof!”, does that mean what you’d been feeling’s a lie?

I have been crushing on someone so bad, I almost thought I am falling for that someone. I told my trusted friends about this for a number of times, wondering whether I should or shouldn’t tell that someone about my feelings. No, I am not hoping that what I feel would be reciprocated, I just want it to be known by the person which my feelings were intended to. And after discussing my dilemma for the nth number of time, I just realized my feelings were gone. Vanished. Does that mean that what I was feeling isn’t affection at all? Luckily, I haven’t told that someone how I felt; and I am thankful I had been very careful in the actions I’d taken (or had not)

*****

Got sick Thursday night till the whole day Friday. Good thing I wasn’t on vacation during this week, just spend some time at home. It felt bad---I was throwing up, my body temp reached 40 degrees (Celsius), and my body ached like hell. I am feeling better now though. I guess my power of regeneration hasn’t kicked in yet.